“So you’re Caleb,” my high school guidance counselor said as she handed me the results of my Pre-ACT test. “You did really well.” I didn’t just have the best scores in my class, I was among the best in the nation. She told me I could write my own ticket, if I would apply myself, and described my college future, throwing out names of the top universities. I wasn’t exactly sure what college I wanted to attend or even what I wanted to do. Probably not medical school, but maybe law school? I was a little taken aback at all of this.
But life doesn’t usually go as you’ve planned. Two years later, college wasn’t in the game plan anymore. Instead, my family had gotten involved with Bill Gothard’s Advanced Training Institute (ATI) program, a strict, Bible-based program with a primary focus on personal character. No degrees were offered, but in its place was a promise to focus on learning to live the way God intended. So now I was flying to Oak Brook, Illinois, to join a law internship program at ATI headquarters. I would study law for a while, work as an intern or clerk for a lawyer and, eventually, to take the bar exam. Or that was how it was presented to me, anyway.
I had never been to Chicago, or the Midwest for that matter, and didn’t know what to expect when I was picked up at the airport. For a kid who grew up in a rural area, Oak Brook was very nice. It was nicer than anything I’d ever seen. There were numerous houses in which the students and staff stayed, all surrounding a small lake and nicely manicured lawns.
The following morning I reported for duty at the law library on the other side of the ATI campus. Or tried to anyway. There was literally nobody there. I walked around for a few minutes, thumbing through the books and poking my head into different rooms. Finally I found somebody.
“The law department isn’t here,” I was told. “They’re all in Australia. Why are you here?”
I knew nothing about Australia, so I explained what the plan was. She had no idea what I was talking about, but tried to find someone who did. Turns out everyone who knew anything about me was also in Australia and wouldn’t be back for another week or so. So I ended up being assigned to the landscaping crew, at least until everyone else got back. Then my law studies could begin.
I got along great with the guy I was assigned to work with on the landscaping crew, and, though I didn’t expect it, we ended up working together for much longer than a week. We tooled around the campus on a little vehicle doing odd jobs, such as tree trimming.
Finally everybody returned from Australia and the empty campus filled. I met with the head of the law group and learned that there had been an error. There was no opening for me in the program. They weren’t sure how that had happened but there was nothing they could do. However, they offered some hope that there could be an opening soon and I was welcome to hang around and keep working in landscaping for a while until something opened up.
This was a major disappointment, but I tried not to let it show. I thought it through. What else was I going to do? I had no college plans, no job offers waiting elsewhere. I would wait it out. A spot finally opened up in the law department. And then was filled by a girl I didn’t know. So instead of the law department, I was transferred from landscaping to shipping.
As the weeks went on, it became more apparent I didn’t really fit in. But I had always felt that way, at least a little. It wasn’t until later that I discovered that nobody’s normal.
I was missing football season during my time at Headquarters and was not happy about it. None of the houses had televisions, so I resorted to walking to the Oak Brook Center mall, which was quite a haul from the ATI campus, and tried to catch snippets of football games on department store televisions.
There were no church services on campus, but there were two nearby churches that a lot of the students attended. On one of these Sundays, I met some kids at church that played touch football after service. They weren’t involved in ATI, they just lived in the area. I eagerly jumped at the chance and started playing with them. No one else from Headquarters played, and I later discovered it wasn’t just because they didn’t like football. Most activities weren’t allowed on Sundays, even chess was forbidden, though Church, naps, and playing an instrument were okay.
One night after dinner, one of the older boys approached me. He mentioned that he knew I had been playing football on Sunday afternoons. “Yeah. Sure am,” I said lightly. “You want to play?” I knew the answer to that already but wanted to underplay it.
“Well, I was just wondering if you think that’s the best use of your time? Spending a Sunday like that?”
“Yeah, I do.” I wasn’t about to be rude to him, and just answered sincerely. “I think it’s a good way to relax and get some exercise. Get ready for the week ahead.” He clearly didn’t agree. “You just pray about it and see if you really think that’s what God wants you to be doing,” he said calmly before returning to his table. I agreed I would do just that.
In addition to football, music proved to be another area where I didn’t fit in. I had a lot of long conversations with my roommate. I thought a lot of the things we were being taught in morning meetings prior to beginning our job assignments were pretty good, but I also began to challenge some of the things I was learning that didn’t seem quite right. My roommate and I talked about music quite a bit. That was a major point of conflict with this group in general. Hymns and bluegrass. That was what was allowed and nothing else. Some of the questions I raised with my roommate I think he had maybe never heard before, and he really seemed to think it through. But he also challenged me with questions and points to consider. Eventually, I played him some of the Christian music I had brought and we discussed if it was actually godly or not.
On another occasion, I got into a discussion I’ve never forgotten. There’s scripture in the New Testament that says, “Do not be unequally yoked.” A couple of the guys used that to say you shouldn’t marry outside of your race. I was flabbergasted. The verse was clearly telling Christians not to marry a non-believer. How could they get interracial marriages out of that verse? They tried to explain, but I don’t remember what they said because I wasn’t buying it for a second. What are the differences between races anyway?
“Are you telling me that if I marry a Mexican or Asian girl then I’d be sinning?” I probed. I was interested in that answer because I had lived in Mexico. They hemmed and hawed a bit on that. They agreed that God made everybody the way they are, but wouldn’t agree that the race of the girl didn’t matter one bit to God as far as marriage went. To be fair, I never heard the topic of interracial marriage taught by ATI. That was just the opinion of those two boys I was talking with, as far as I know.
One day I noticed her. The new girl on campus, from South Dakota — Rachel. We were playing volleyball out on the lawn. I don’t remember if Rachel was any good at volleyball, but I do remember that she was striking and I was determined to try to get to know her. We had a few brief conversations from time to time, but nothing in depth that I can recall. However, I discovered that her brother and I had some things in common and I ended up spending a good deal of time talking with him. Her brother and I talked about religion and God and life in general. I would have liked him even if I didn’t have his sister there in the back of my mind.
We were all sitting at a table in the Headquarters dining room one day when suddenly Bill Gothard was standing next to me.
“Caleb,” he said, “how are you?”
I was surprised and it probably showed in my voice. I swallowed my food. “Fine, sir. How are you?”
He smiled slightly. “I’m fine, too. I’d like to talk to you after lunch in my office.”
“Okay.” I nodded. What else would I say to that?
His office was wasn’t hard to get to. It was right upstairs from the dining room and I distinctly remember I was sitting at the table nearest the bottom of the stairs that day. It was just him and me in there on opposite sides of his desk. I had heard that most, if not all, new students met with him soon after arriving on campus, so he could get to know them and feel them out. But this was the first time we had ever spoken. I’ve always just chalked it up to Australia.
I don’t remember every detail of that conversation but I believe it started off with some small talk of how things were going for me there. Before long we got down to brass tacks. Obviously word of my activities and conversations around campus had gotten all the way to the top. He asked me about football on Sundays. Basically the same questions that the other young man had asked me not long before. I had done nothing but debate and study these topics for the past couple months, so I was ready for it. I pulled out the passage in Romans 14:5. “One man considers one day more sacred; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.” It goes on to say that, either way, you should do it for the Lord and not judge each other if your brother doesn’t see it the same way. To me that’s a very compelling case. I don’t remember his exact response now, and I wish I did. But he really didn’t want me doing that sort of thing on Sundays, and I got the impression he’d be even happier if I left football for special occasions only. But that wasn’t the biggest sticking point between us. He next asked about the music.
I told him what I brought with me. I’m not a rebel-type looking to make waves, but I didn’t have any desire to hide anything either. I mentioned I would go on long walks sometimes with my Walkman and listen to music. Sometimes Michael W. Smith. He really had some good stuff. And Carmen. Mr. Gothard just dropped his gaze to the floor and slowly shook his head. I was glad I hadn’t mentioned my Petra albums.
“This music isn’t good,” he said. “Do you really think God is honored by that?”
“Have you ever heard them?” I asked. “Really just listened to a few songs? The words talk all about God and I’m sure you would agree with the message. Some of it just quotes Bible verses even.”
“If the music itself is corrupted, nothing about it can honor God,” he replied.
“Okay, I agree with that in principle,” I said. “But how is the music itself corrupted? You’ve said the emphasis shouldn’t be on the off-beat in a song. One and three in a four/ four measure for example. Where do you see that in the Bible?”
He wasn’t able to point to a specific scripture but he went on to say that if your parents don’t want you to listen to it, it’s rebellion if you do. Now my parents were never very fond of the harder beats of Petra, but they did enjoy some of the other music I liked, including the ones I’d mentioned to Bill Gothard. So for me it wasn’t rebellion.
He gave me examples of bad things that had happened to people that listened to it, and how in Africa, witch doctors used drums in their ceremonies. I thought (but don’t think I mentioned to him) that witch doctors also wore clothes and ate food, maybe while worshipping Satan, but that wasn’t the part God objected to. It was that they failed to give Him glory and worship Him in what they did.
I had one last question that I felt I could ask without things blowing up. “The Psalms talk about praising God with clanging symbols. Do you ever do that?” I asked calmly, almost quietly. I didn’t want to sound accusing because I wasn’t. I really wanted to know what he made of that portion of scripture.
I remember this part vividly. He looked down again and shook his head, pausing for a moment. “It’s just not the way I was raised,” he finally said. Then he spoke again. “Look, we have to close the house you’re in. I’ve been praying about who to send home, and God put your name on my heart.”
I was surprised. Honestly, I didn’t even know Bill Gothard knew my name before that day, although I suppose he’d been keeping an eye on me for a while now.
“Well,” I said, “I have a ticket to go back for Christmas break in a couple weeks anyway.”
He shook his head. “It’ll have to be sooner than that. You can change your flight. If there’s any charge to do so, we’ll pay for it.”
A couple days later, I was on a flight home, never to return.
Nearly twenty-two years later, my thoughts ended up again on Headquarters. An old friend of mine had posted something on Facebook about Bill Gothard being placed on administrative leave in response to allegations of repeated inappropriate contact, sexual harassment, and abuse of female students. I read it over, quite surprised. And saddened. I read the stories of girls published on the Recovering Grace website, many written under pseudonyms. As I scanned, I came across one written by Rachel. Wait, Rachel? I clicked on the title.
This is my real name, and below is my real story. That was how the article started. I looked at the picture. It was her. No question.
Reading these articles really brought me back. “Mr. Gothard” was how we always referred to him. I’d usually heard him called by his full name when he would do the occasional seminar in Seattle, or when we went to a convention in Knoxville in 1991 that he put on. But at Headquarters he was “Mr. Gothard” only and always. He had seemed to be good man, a man that followed God, and expected you to do the same, especially if you lived there at Headquarters. He was calm and steady. A father or maybe grandfather figure to the students. He never married, but like the Apostle Paul had a higher calling. He had books and lessons on how to be pure, how to treat girls. Lessons Numero Uno, Dos, and Tres were never be alone with someone you weren’t married to. I guess he forgot. A lot.
Do I believe these accusations against Bill Gothard? Yes, I think I do. He broke his own rules. I was surprised by this, but not shocked. I’m not shocked anymore when a human acts like a sinner. Whether they are frauds intending to deceive, or honest folks with good intentions, the Bible clearly tells us that “all have fallen short of the glory of God.” If for some reason I have decided that some among us are actually better than that, well … that’s on me.
But was he a “wolf” from the very beginning? A fraud who used the Bible to manipulate when he could? I’ll never know. But I know this: my life, and relationship with God, were made better by the time I spent there. I matured and grew. Bill Gothard has been used by God, of that I’m sure. Of course, the Bible tells us that both Moses and Pharaoh were also used by God. So, really, being used by God is no credit to us at all, just to Him.
It’s funny looking back on it now. I ended up marrying the prettiest girl I’ve ever met, and she was from South Dakota, too. Her name is Abigail and she happens to be Korean. Ironically, the very argument I was using that day would end up being reality for me. And so far, God has continued to give me peace about playing touch football on Sundays, although I take advantage of it less now than I used to.
Caleb left ATI's Oak Brook headquarters at the end of 1992 and moved back to Washington state. After traveling and working odd jobs for a few years, he went to college in St. Paul, Minnesota, where he met his future wife. They now live in Washington with their three children, and he owns and operates an insurance agency there.
Photo copyright: thesupe87 / 123RF Stock Photo
Your growth in the Lord at Oakbrook had nothing to do with Gothard. You would have grown no matter where you went, to college, to Australia, staying in your home state, where ever, because you have a relationship and openness in your heart about God teaching you in your life.
Thank you for your story. Another piecing it all together. Thanks for sharing an example of doing research and coming to BG respectfully with it. Compared with Wendy A, it seems you weren't "shamed" as much; maybe for being male?(the organization seems to have strong emphasis on the gender emphases/stereotypes, whatever you want to call it) But it's good to hear both gender perspectives of the "confronting him personally".
And yes, God does use everything. I heard a testimony from a lady once that said God drew her to Him during a rock concert, with a secular band! And I'm sure I'll think of more.
BTW, to everyone else, did "closing houses" actually happen there? I remember reading about being moved around a lot, but I don't remember any specific housing quarters being closed, even for renovations temporarily.
Caleb, glad you were able to go to college after, and everything. Blessings on you and your family.
But BG had already decided to send him home, so what other shaming was necessary?
Caleb, I am glad to see your story finally published here. While I think that you might be a bit generous towards Bill, your testimony points out a number of disturbing things. First is the subtle racism of the ministry. Second, your story supports the catty, nasty, backbiting gossip that seemed to be rife within his organization. Inspite Bill's teaching on gossip etc, he didn't run his own ministry free from gossip. And finally and most importantly, your story demonstrates that ATI was a dead end education fraud which only feed unsuspecting and well meaning Christians into being used by Bill for his own purposes only to be spit out when they didn't do exactly what he wanted. To convince parents not to send their children on to college at all but send them to be used by Bill is simply and totally outrageous. I read your amazon book and glad to now see it here.
A few other things stood out to me. First, was how BG mentioned "he wasn't raised that way" and proceeded to run the entire ministry form that old mindset, rigid and unloving. Second, our time in ati made us feel useless and like we would never, ever attain any sense maturity worthy of ministry. Third, the way he threw people away quickly and for no apparent reason other than to try to keep the elite perfect Christians in the forefront makes me sorta sick. Being on the receiving of such treatment is SO very damaging sometimes permenenly in our walk with the Lord.
The other thing I wondered about is that I wondered if your interest in Rachael was the reason he found reason to send you home because we heard similar behavior on this site.
Thank you for sharing this story. We need to hear of the fruit and behavior in this ministry because so much has been kept secret.
Yes, the comment by Bill, "I wasn't raised that way" is very revealing. It seems obvious thast Bill's distain for sports and any physical activities probably stems from his own lack there of in his own upbringing. He didn't experience the many benefits from youth sports therefore youth sports and any sports is worldly and a waste of time. So Bill had no concept that someone on Sunday may want to relax and enjoy themselves by going outside and throws a football, kick a soccer ball or bounce a basketball because he didn't do that himself. I also find it hypocritical that someone would be allowed to practice a musical instrument on Sunday which is work but not be allowed to relax by doing a sport in its most simple form. But again Bill wasn't raised thast way so the same applies to everyone else.
"Bill Gothard has been used by God, of that I’m sure. Of course, the Bible tells us that both Moses and Pharaoh were also used by God. So, really, being used by God is no credit to us at all, just to Him."
I definitely don't understand this. How can you be sure that BG was used by God? Evidence shows that BG is in the least a false teacher, and a sexual predator at worst. I believe humans do all sorts of things "in the name of God" but are not true followers. Even Jesus said many will say Lord, Lord, I did this in your name...And Jesus replied I never knew you. And as for the comparison with Moses and Pharoah, that is something totally different. Pharoah was chosen by God to be the means to show His people that He was real through all the plagues. And scripture makes it clear in regards to Pharoah that God will have mercy on whom he has mercy. So, why would God choose for BG to sexually harass girls, break labor laws, and teach a false gospel? There was a purpose to what God had Pharoah do, what would be the purpose of BG's ministry?
it is the old saying " even a stopped clock is right twice a day" that applies to BG. We do not know the final outcome because we are in the here and now. The story of Pharaoah is over and done and we know the ending. BG is still alive, who knows what God has planned for him. BTW, God did not choose for BG to sin, BG made his own choices.
Pam, I agree with what he said. God is not the author of evil, but the Bible clearly teaches he has a purpose for everything - even the wicked for the day of evil, as Proverbs teaches. God uses everything for His own purposes. The comparison of Moses and Pharoah was his point. It sounded like a response to those who insist Bill can do no wrong and has "been mightily used by God," as some are inclined to put it. So he said, in essence, there - "Yeah, sure, but you have to make a wider circle and include the stubborn, hardhearted bully in the circle of what God uses." When I read that, I saw a good use of sarcasm. At least, that's how I interpreted it.
Pam-
This is Caleb. What I meant by saying that Bill Gothard was used by God was simply that. Sometimes we think people aren't used by God unless we submit to His will, and that if we are used by God we must be doing something right. But that's not always the case.
Like with Pharaoh, and even Satan himself, God is sovereign and can use anyone and anything He pleases to carry out His will. It is to our great benefit if we submit to Him and let Him lead, but not necessary for Him to use us.
I hope that helps clarify where I was coming from here.
I think we see something very important happening in this story. As soon as it is clear that the author won't bow to Bill's private interpretations, he is quickly ejected from the ministry. Bill is willing to pay the plane ticket to speed up the process. Hunger Games, anyone?
People ask "How did he last so long doing this?" This is how. The moment anyone in his elite squad showed any desire to stand up, they were summarily expelled and castigated as the worst of sinners (probably the witchcraft of rebellion and devil-worship-music listener). All the people that showed strong tenancies of loyalty were promoted and kept in place. After a while, he had this ring of insanely loyal followers that insulated him from suspicion, investigation, or questioning.
The inner circle got an awesome lifestyle of adventure to other countries, retreats to North Woods, rubbing shoulders with "leaders" etc.
I remember being amazed at the types of things that the Inner Circle would do for Bill. If he wanted a 13 story stairwell painted a different color. Boom, it was done again, even though it had just been done. If he wanted little hills in the landscape, he got little hills. If you stuck your neck out, it was either the "Eastern Front" or the highway.
I have found this inner and outer circle thing to be true in many churches and secular settings. There are always the special favored few who run things "their way is the only way" and the wanna-bees looking in wishing they were in the in-crowd.
Daniel, Even though I never attended ATI -- thank Dog! -- your analysis is spot on concerning control freaks, of which, reading here more and more, Gothard is obviously a prime exemplar. My parents brought the teachings home, discussed them daily for easily ten years, never pushing them on me until they moved overseas, then freaked out that I was no long under their immediate chain of command, and tried to hang on to me from the other side of the world. One problem: by then I was 20, so all it did was alienate me from them, forever. I had always been an obedient kid, so all the airmailed letters repeating, twice a week, 'do as we say' were just rude. But back to your bright and snappy thesis, I've seen this happen with a lot of people who have pastoral care over others. They become God; and you are so much dirt to be shoveled here, or there, doesn't matter.
In my observation of BG and the ATI program, besides the false teachings and approaches, I see that their Achilles heel would be their lack of a phys-ed program, or at least an organized one. What would the ATI have against a sponsored football, basketball, wrestling, baseball, Tae Kwon Do or whatever traveling team? For anyone deprived of those opportunities that the public and private schools offer, my heart goes out to them.
Bill had such a low view of the body and anything physical. It basically borders on gnosticism. So any activity that would have as it's purpose physcial acitivity like sports is deemed as "unspiritual" and real committed Christians would not waste their time on unspiritual activities like sports. I had all three of my kids in sports ranging from rec leagues, school teams, HS varsity and my daughter is in travel soccer. I have observed nothing but benefits for all of them. They have learned team work, time management, how to lose, how to win, practice results in better performance, etc etc. All of these things are life lessons and character builders that last a life time and all plus more learned in unspiritual sports. I also observed parents involved with their children and interaction with them. There is nothing better than watching your child play, it beats watching million dollar athelets any time. For all the "character" emphasis in IBLP, Bill misses it because many character qualities are really learned on the field not in memorizing them on wisdom cards.
Wow. Just wow. I will readily admit to going to the old seminars twice (a well meaning church member paid my way my senior year in H.S. in the mid 70s). But as time went on, I felt a heaviness/depression as I tried to do the stuff in the red notebook. The last straw for me was the restrictions on music--I was a music major (at first, switched majors later) in college, and NONE of his music standards can be supported by actual music study--much less scripture. It's all opinion, HIS opinion. And I felt my opinion, as well as that of my music teachers, was just a good as his! Since I was a percussion major, I knew that his ideas about beats in music were totally bogus; I could imagine my percussion prof howling if I had been crazy enough to propose Gothard's theories to him! I quit consulting the red notebook for how to live my life. I kept getting the mail from the institute for well over a decade. I would read it sometimes, and see that the teachings were getting weirder all the time (that Tamar teaching--ugh!). I heard from a friend about the Cabbage Patch doll prohibition, and I was just reaffirmed about my opinion that the man had some serious problems. Also, as I got into church and denominational Bible studies on my campus, I learned more about the Bible and how to interpret it that helped me understand why my gut feelings about the way Gothard mis-interpreted the bible were wrong. I can tell you one thing: Gothard's discouragement of children going off to college would have turned off most African Americans from his seminars; my parents warned us early to beware of people that have one or more college degrees who try to discourage YOU from getting one! After all, education (those people think) is wasted on minorities. And the prohibition from marrying interracially...that is straight out of the Confederate/White Supremacy Handbook: superior races (white) should not be yoked with inferior races (any color other than white). Dabney would be proud...oops, I forgot, Gothard did not get his ideas from Dabney; he got them from God and his Word. How foolish of me. (Smile) I think the real reason Gothard was wary of music and athletics was that both of those activities (esp. music)has a way of pulling you out of yourself and freeing your mind and emotions from whatever is going on around you. And Gothard, from what I read on this site, was afraid of losing control of followers via those activities.
I attended the church where G. Smalley wound up after leaving the Institute. No one at church leadership ever actually said why he and Norma quit Oak Brook; thanks to your website, I now know why, and am glad he got himself and his family out of that environment.
Caleb, you are a good guy. I'm glad you escaped by standing up for yourself and what you believed. I'm sorry that so many others did not.
Oh dear me! I heard that Tamar lesson from our youth group director, not Bill Gothard, but there's no doubt in my mind he got it from Gothard, as that was big in the church where I grew up.
Even then I couldn't connect the dots between "some guy RAPES his half-sister" and the takeaway that "guys don't respect girls who put out"! (But then again, I was attending a "godless secular state university" at the time...) The sheer audacity of that non-sequitur floored me.
Thank you for sharing Caleb. I'm glad to know I wasn't the only boy in ATI that loved playing sports. One summer my parents drove me home from Knoxville early for (GASP) a baseball game. We would have probably been kicked out of ATIA had someone found out why we left the conference early. My parents finally got me out of the ATIA program and sent me to public school where I competed in football and baseball in 11th and 12th grades. So thankful they allowed me to do that. The more I read about Gothard, the more I realize he is a stubborn, selfish little man who thrives on ruining other people's lives and getting his own way no matter what.
Fascinating account! I was an early victim of Gothard in the sense that I married a woman whose parents, my in-laws, were hardcore Gothard supporters. Just before we were married, I had to go with them to a session of Institute of Basic Youth Conflicts in Seattle. One of the things I remember was Bill Gothard saying that rock-n-roll was "Heathen hottentot music from blackest Africa" - his exact words! It happened that I liked rock and blues music and played guitar, so I had a lot of experience in that musical field. Lest you say that I had no understanding of music, let it be known that I also was a music major in college and built harpsichords to pay my way through graduate school. I also learned to play pipe organ, and I know and appreciate, as well as perform, a huge amount of Classical music! I took offence at Gothard's characterization of popular music, and near;ly came to blows with my future father-in-law right there on the floor of the arena Gothard was holding the smeminar at, because my father-in-law agreed with Gothard about music!