In the past few years, since I have expressed many disagreements with the theology of Bill Gothard, ATI (Advanced Training Institute), and his parent ministry, IBLP (Institute in Basic Life Principles), I have invariably been asked how ATI had negatively impacted my life. Here is my story.
My family joined ATI in the ‘90s. It was promoted to them as a program that would enable them to raise up Godly children. I don’t remember much about those early years in the program, except for the one big event every year of driving to Knoxville, TN, for the week-long conference. When I was younger, I participated in the ALERT cadet challenge; later I was old enough to attend the student sessions.
When I was 7 years old, I realized my need for salvation, and I accepted Christ. For this, I am very grateful, especially to my sister and father for taking the necessary time to discuss this with me as a child. At that young age, I understood the basics of salvation, but there were aspects of God I did not understand until just recently. I’ll expound on some of my discoveries later on in my story. I want to make perfectly clear that I firmly believe my parents had the best of intentions in joining ATI. They were not out to spiritually manipulate their children or become legalistic with us. However, ATI did turn many positive desires into legalistic ideas for our family, as I also will describe.
As a new Christian, I wanted to obey God. I wanted to love God. I wanted God’s blessing and approval on my life. I wanted to live the Christian life the way that Scripture taught. Yet, I was taught that in order to live the Christian life in accordance with Scripture, there were certain things I must do and become in order to fulfill that desire. This led to my adopting the mentality that God’s love (or “God’s blessing”) depended on what I did or did not do. Much of this mindset was based around standards, many adopted from or influenced by ATI teachings. Some examples of this include:
Various rules of conduct regarding Sunday activities: These included being disallowed from hanging out with friends (including church friends) on Sunday afternoons; prohibited from reading novels or other fun books; required to read only biographies or Christian books; disallowed from using a computer; not allowed to play with toys; and made to fast at lunch after reading the Wisdom Booklet that covered fasting.
Entertainment standards:
- We were required to listen to only melodious types of music, usually sold by either IBLP or Bob Jones University. Nothing with a rock beat was tolerated.
- Certain movies were edited for content that, according to ATI-influenced standards, consisted of “immodestly dressed” women. My parents defined immodesty, for example, as including anything that showed more than just a few inches below the collarbone.
- We did not have TV in the home; one reason was due to ATI strongly implying that it was a sin.
- Movie theaters were considered an evil place to attend
Friendship standards: I was very afraid of being friendly with girls, since I was taught that constituted “lusting” and being “fresh.”
I understand some readers may look at some of these rules and say, “What’s so bad about them? What’s wrong with trying to instill a love for God’s Word in your children? Even if they were somewhat legalistic, they’re not really that bad.” While Bible reading, for example, is indeed a good habit for one to possess, in my family it unfortunately was treated as a major issue if I forgot even just one morning. In my family, breaking these rules meant that you were living in sin or that you were a carnal Christian. For instance, concerning regulations for how to spend Sundays, if I told my parents that I thought it was too restrictive, I was informed, “But this is what God wants you do to, and He can’t bless you if you don’t obey. Don’t you want God to bless you?”
This attitude is one that permeates ATI and its followers. Your attending a movie theater, listening to music with a rock beat, doing things on Sunday other than attending church, or wearing jeans/pants as a woman are things that will gain you strong disapproval. You will be thought of as less mature, less spiritually minded, less committed to Christ, lukewarm or carnal, etc., if not outright sinning. In ATI, your level of spirituality is determined by how well you adhere to the standards they teach as biblically mandatory for the Christian life.
Another area in which ATI negatively affected my life was that of relationships with those of the opposite gender. I was very afraid of being friendly with girls on a normal level because, according to what I learned in ATI, I believed it to be lusting. I recall, when working at IBLP Headquarters, there were several girls that I liked as merely friends. They were always kind to me, but I was very afraid of engaging them in a friendly conversation because I believed I would be lusting. I particularly remember one incident when I sat next to a girl at lunch one day. She was attractive and had always been pleasant and courteous to me. I, however, was deathly afraid of engaging her in friendly conversation due to being concerned that the leadership would consider me fresh and send me home for “inappropriate contact with the opposite sex.”
As I became older, other issues where I found myself disagreeing with the views of others in my family surfaced, many of which were due to ATI’s influence. Because I didn’t think it was always necessary to tithe on a paycheck, I was told, in so many words, that I didn’t love God. (I do believe in Paul’s encouragement to practice cheerful giving.) This issue later resurfaced when I required emergency surgery. My family implied that God was trying to either warn or discipline me for not tithing by causing me to incur a medical issue. Because I would surf the Web or Facebook, play video games, go grocery shopping, etc. on Sunday afternoons, I was told that what I was doing was dishonoring to the Lord. Because I didn’t always go to church on Sunday evenings, I heard that I was being unfaithful.
As a result of ATI’s influence in my life, I developed a very legalistic, judgmental spirit. While I was not one of the most zealous, I did attend some ATI events and complete some of their projects in hopes of growing closer in my relationship with God.
Yet despite my efforts, I always felt that God wasn’t close to me. I felt like one of the so-called “lukewarm Christians” that ATI also discussed. I never sensed closeness to God the way ATI said I should. I felt that God wasn’t pleased with me, because I never had the same zeal for spiritual commitment that ATI said was required of those who really were on fire for serving God. I often felt dull and drab in fulfilling these rules that ATI taught were necessary for pleasing God. Although I didn’t think of it this way at the time, I later came to realize this: If what ATI is teaching about Christianity is the real thing, then I want nothing to do with it.
Some years later, through conversations with two people whom I love dearly, (and with whom I differ in views about ATI), I learned that I needed to develop my own views and Christian beliefs, independent of my parents or anyone else. I took this advice to heart, and it led me out of the gate towards freedom. I soon started questioning many of my beliefs, including those developed through ATI teachings.
The effect this has had on me has been liberating. As I started to re-examine many of my beliefs, specifically ATI-influenced ones, I felt freedom I had never before felt. Freedom in realizing that God is not disappointed in me because I don’t read my Bible every day. Freedom in knowing that God isn’t displeased with me for watching modern action movies, or for going shopping on Sunday afternoons. I was free to live in the grace of God.
Many may assume that, because I have rejected the teachings of Bill Gothard and ATI, I am somehow bitter or rebellious, that I somehow have failed to “move on” past ATI, or that I am now finding excuses to live in carnality. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have learned more in the past year than I had in the last 15 years. Some things I have learned include:
- I understand more what grace is all about. I understand more clearly my own unworthiness in the sight of God, and how God, in his grace, declared me free from all guilt and sin.
- I’ve learned more about grace-based Christian living, and I am still learning about the roles that sanctification and holiness play in that.
- I’ve learned more about extending grace and love to others and about the two basic commands that Jesus gave: to love God and love our neighbor.
- I’ve gained a better picture of who God is and his character.
I will be the first to say that I have not completely arrived. I am still thinking, analyzing, and critiquing my beliefs, ideas, and worldview. There are many things I don’t have completely figured out, but I have learned many things that I am grateful for, and I am continuing to learn by the grace of God.
Jonathan currently lives in the South and is finishing up his bachelor's degree. His family joined ATI in 1994, and over the past few years since leaving the program, he has realized the legalistic bondage that the teachings put people in. He is excited to be learning things about grace and Christian liberty that he didn't realize before.
Well thought out and written. I was also led astray by this group, back in 1987. The short story is that this became the beginning of the end for me as an evangelical. Bless.
Amen
'I felt like one of the so-called “lukewarm Christians” that ATI also discussed. I never sensed closeness to God the way ATI said I should.'
Yes, a thousand times yes, and I was far more committed than you say you were in my ATI journey. I COULDN'T feel close to God, no matter what I did (course I realized years later that it was me keeping myself from Him by following someone else's rules rather than His voice..) I always felt so ashamed, that I could never measure up to anyone else who was 'far more godly'. Why I was comparing myself to others rather than Christ I don't know.. wait, yes I do know, that's what we were taught to do. 'Be a good example', and other phrases built up an invisible wall that naturally designed you to compare yourself with others.
"far more committed" ..."so ashamed, that I could never measure up"
Indeed. Therefore more commitment and more shame. leading to more commitment...(you know the drill.) It is what I now call the "demonic treadmill."
That is pretty much my life story in regards to IBLP. I was both spiritual abusive and spiritual abused at times by people at IBLP and related locations. The teachings on emotional purity, courtship and keeping one's heart has certainly had a ruinous effect on my relationships with girls. I look back with horror over my life at the friendships and sister-relationships-in-Christ that were wrecked or that lacked edification and exhortation because of fear violating some command about courtship (which isn't in the Bible), violating or raping some girl's emotional purity, or being dishonoring to parents. What I thought was honorable was just being a jerk.
YES! I can identify with ALL of this! When taken individually, each of the "standards" (*never* referred to them as "rules," of course!) seems so... so... GOOD. And yet as a whole, the burden they created was crushing. Thank you for sharing your journey to grace!
yup....yep and yessss....I started questioning "God blesses when you tithe faithfully FROM your GROSS" when we were hit by 2 tornadoes in 3 years and lots of other hardships...so who was doing all the bad stuff to us??? The devil ??? but how could the devil do that if we were faithful to tithe and God promised to protect us...and tithing was a real hardship, because we lived barely paycheck to paycheck. Where was God's blessing? You know, those mysterious checks in the mail from someone you do not know because God told them to send you something for being so faithful...a local Dallas big time preacher (who lives in a mansion behind guarded fences !?!?!) PROMISED God would mightily bless if I sent him an offering...I almost called him and said, would I get my money back if I did not hit the big time? then I heard about Christians living in communist countries, with only their faith and no promise of anything else, hardship after hardship, test after test, facing prison death etc for being Christian.... where was their blessing?..and then it dawned on me...we live in AMERICA, land of so much stuff, so many material things and figured that was part of our culture it would bleed into how preachers preached when they found scripture that seemed to go along with our culture...soooo i started thinking, what is the one constant truth about God, Jesus, for living the christian life that fits every life style, no matter where someone lives on the planet, desert, snow pack, beach, democratic, communist or Islamic govt, no matter what they do for a living, farm, CEO, total poverty in some African country, or the time period from 1AD to 2013...and that truth is something Jesus said just before he went back to heaven......so simple, so EASY (where's that button?) Love God and love others !!!! Man, that sums up the whole thing about following a Christian walk into 2 simple rules !!!! (oh here's that Easy Button---- ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding !!!!!!!!!!!)
p.s. the way we hit the big time, so to speak, was to carefully budget, pay off our debts, save our money, nothing magic or spiritual about it...now we have enough to help others when we see the need.
Thank you for sharing your story; this could almost be my testimony word for word. And, just for the record, many of the females in ATI were deathly afraid of being friendly with the guys for fear of being accused of "flirting" or "defrauding." This created (for me, at least) a very unhealthy and awkward foundation on which to interact with my future husband (and any other guys I encountered).
I, too, had to relearn so much about Christianity. I've recently grasped that the whole point of the Sermon on the Mount (which was "lost in translation" in the Wisdom Booklets) is to show the outcast, the sinner, the lowliest of the low that there IS a place for us all in God's Kingdom only because of Christ and NOT because of anything we do. The IBLP system is another gospel. It is a gospel of what *I* can do, how *I* can be more holy, how *I* can impress God and get His approval, and how *I* can shine in contrast to the world.
Seeing Christ alone in how I relate to God is liberating.
"if I told my parents that I thought it was too restrictive, I was informed, “But this is what God wants you do to, and He can’t bless you if you don’t obey. Don’t you want God to bless you?”"
----this statement you brought up points out the entire problem w/ bg's theology,,,when you really study scripture, you realize that it is not about God blessing you, it is about us (and God ) bringing glory and honor to HIS name.....
Let me ask a hypothetical question if you had a call from Bill and he wanted to reconcile what would you say, what would want him to say? In a meeting what would want from him? What are the steps you would want him to follow to insure he was sincere? Matthew 18 is very clear in granting forgiveness if repentance is sought vs. 22 and also the steps to approach a brother who has transgress against your vs. 15-17.
Now repentance and forgiveness does not, nor is it tied to restoration, that must be earned. Are you willing to approach Bill vs 15-17 and if he repents are you willing to forgive him vs 22? But what would it take to be restored to him? This is not a test but meant to invoke a new conversation. A conversation on what would it take to bring Bill to his knees before God or is that even each our jobs. Verses 6-9 discusses the effects of causing “these little ones” to stumble. God loves and cares for each of you and some day Bill will strand before our God! Bill’s empire is a result of taking our eyes off God and putting them on a man and his program. We have all we ever needed in our personal relationship with Him and Him alone!
hmmm...reading your question on the surface looks like a good thing but your wording may have given you away...first "the steps to approach..." BG uses "8 steps to this and 10 steps to that", in other words all BG's approaches to living Christian is a carefully thought out step by step process leading to certain promised results, which in real life is NOT that way!!!!
AND the phrase "Bill’s empire is a result of taking OUR eyes off God and putting them on a man and his program." which is a subtle way of putting the blame back on us...in other words, if we had followed God more closely and not BG, then he would not have gotten such a big empire so it is our fault he is the way he is.
Methinks you are a BG supporter, and if you are not, you wanted to open a dialog, so I opened it, but perhaps the opening is not exactly where you wanted it.
esbee
Thank your for pointing out the need for me to clarify my post but nothing could be further from the truth and I am by no means a Gothard supporter. You give me way too much credit for my choice of my words but I am thinking out loud. I choose to remain anomalous for many reasons but I have personally experienced and observed the devastation Bill has caused for many many years. My anonymity does not mean I have given up the good fight. My desire is to invoke a conversation of taking all the tragic stories of RG to the next level. Not only on for each of our personal healing but a public one of requiring Bill to be accountable. For me it took years to learn how to deal with my anger and bitterness toward Bill which was affecting my own health. Once free from that, I feel God has given me a completely different strength and outlook to continue the battle. Some of us made the choice to be involved, for other in the ATI group you didn’t have a choice, your parents made it for you. Our stories are all different yet all the same. The real question is how do we heal and turn our hurt into something that would glorify God and reach out to a hurting world.
It's hard to distill something like that down to bite-sized comments. I've wondered if it would be helpful for RG to publish a document that says, here, this is the way forward, we would accept this. One of the problems of course is that a person can find ways to say they have met the letter of the law even if nothing has really changed.
Disclaimer: Here are some thoughts in process. This isn't a polished post but in the spirit of conversation, a few things that come to mind.
1) I think it would be a wonderful start for him to simply open up and give an honest and humble confession of things that he knows he has done wrong, and to state an intention of doing what he can towards making it right. This means bringing it out into the light, and it means going beyond only the exact things for which you've been caught or called out.
In the New Testament, Zacchaeus confessed and was restored. The Prodigal Son returned and confessed, after "coming to his senses" and saying basically, "I'm not worthy, please let me serve as a servant."
2) Making excuses, pointing fingers, incomplete confessions, covering deeds up, character assassination against those who have spoken truth to/about him, and the ongoing belief that "I deserve an important place of leadership" are antithetical to the "please let me serve" attitude.
3) Restoration should not be confused with Bill's occasional expressions of a wish for "reconciliation," as if he were a beleaguered gentleman extending a gracious hand. Careers have been damaged; there has been character assassination; souls have been wounded. Does he see it? Does he care? Is he willing at least to acknowledge it? Moving forward, what is he prepared to do to start making things right?
4) When any Christian leader falls, there is a process of restoration. Bill is not being accused here of gross sexual sin, but he has very definitely crossed boundaries. He has used people, including young, trusting girls. A good, healthy restoration for any leader usually involves a process that is not controlled by the offender, where he must submit to other people and to a process that is not controlled by him. Would Bill be willing to humble himself to a process laid out by someone with experience in this kind of restoration? Many years ago, he pretended to step down from leadership, but came back in a month and got rid of the opposition. That is the exact opposite attitude and actions to what he should have done.
5) My mind goes to the Lance Armstrong saga (http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/biking/road-biking/My-Life-With-Lance-Armstrong.html) and (http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/more-sports/zone-lance-armstrong-bully-downfall-article-1.1188512)
* Lance was a bully who actively and intentionally worked for his own good at the expense of others. He used his position and power to intimidate and to harm other people. All of this while hiding behind the mask of purity.
* As with Lance, in a broad sense, so with Bill: someone who has used his position and power for his own good at the expense of others, and who has used his position and power to intimidate and harm other people. All of this was hidden behind a mask of purity; hidden behind carefully controlled appearances.
* Bill is not an innocent bystander, nor someone who accidentally offended others in the course of acting in good faith. He has used, attacked, and manipulated other people for his own good.
* That process continues to this present day.
* I believe it would be crucial to stop hiding these sins and to confess (on Oprah's show perhaps?!) and forsake them.
* If Lance were to race again, what would he need to do in order to prove his sincerity? He has proven he is very good at controlling his own image and other people, and at lying. How might he now regain trust?
6) Matthew 18 may not apply directly. See here https://www.recoveringgrace.org/2013/06/why-not-confront-him-personally/ and here https://www.recoveringgrace.org/2012/05/gracenotes-thoughts-on-matthew-18/
* Bill has been approached numerous times. One example here: https://www.recoveringgrace.org/2013/09/there-you-go-again-an-open-letter-to-bill-gothard-1997/
* Bracketing all that out for a minute, hypothetically if both sides were to pursue Matthew 18 in good faith, I wonder to whom would Gothard submit? In the last 30 years, has he been in submission to any local church leadership? Is there now a pastor and/or elders who can speak to him with authority? If a local church were willing and able to put him under discipline, if they felt it necessary to do so, what difference would it make?
To loop back around to the beginning: Zacchaeus and the Prodigal Son seem like reasonably good "landing lights." Open and honest confession and investing in making things right (or perhaps acknowledging things can never be made right). And back to the Lance Armstrong illustration - as long as Lance held on to the money and the titles and claimed that the problem was everyone else being bitter, jealous, and dishonest, there was no hope of ever being restored. And that was due to the choices of no one but himself. (Obviously, for their own good, it is up to others to let it go and move on, I don't mean to imply they are resigned to stagnating as victims)
Well, even for trying to pare it down, that's a lot. What do you think?
I think you ask a great question. What *would* true repentance look like in coming from Bill towards the many he has offended? I've asked myself that many times---how will anyone know he is truly repentant when he has a track record of saying and doing anything to manipulate a situation back into his favor? Bottom line: I don't think anyone can give Bill a list and say, "Here is what true repentance looks like, and here are the steps to get there," because that's exactly how he operates---on checklists and steps. What we need to see is a dramatic change in his HEART, not outward conformity to principles or steps of action, because he's very good at giving you want you WANT to see, while actively protecting and hiding the root issue. I do think that when God brings him to true repentance, the Holy Spirit will make it VERY clear to the hearts involved that this repentance is of God, and not human effort. So how will we know? The Holy Spirit, who discerns the true nature of all hearts, will make it evident.
I do appreciate that you make a distinction between forgiveness and restoration though. While we can forgive Bill in our hearts, this does not mean we have to trust him fully or restore him to influence in our lives without seeing long-term evidence of the fruit of repentance. An abuser does not need to be taken back to heart at the first "I'm sorry." Abusers love to use tearful apologies to bring themselves back into good graces with the abused, and while an apology can be accepted, it's not wise to put yourself back under the influence of an abuser until you wait to see if the fruit of repentance is genuine---and for sexual offenses (and I'd consider his improper advances towards underaged girls to more than qualify for a sexual offense) this takes literally years to determine if true change has occurred. Yes, there is grace extended towards abusers, but it doesn't mean trust is (or should be) automatically and immediately restored. I do pray for Gothard often---I pray that he comes to understand true repentance and the amazing, scandalous beauty of God's grace. But I'm not sure he'll truly understand one apart from the other. Biblical repentance and grace are inextricably tied and it's difficult to truly understand one apart from the other.
There is a passage in 2 Samuel 21 that seems a little strange to modern ears, where David works with the Gibeonites to bring justice on behalf of Saul having put some Gibeonites to death, against the agreement that they had. David was not personally in the wrong but it was on him to make things right. In 2 Sam 21:3, "David asked the Gibeonites, 'What shall I do for you? How shall I make atonement so that you will bless the Lord’s inheritance?'"
In the sermon on the mount, Jesus said that if you know your brother or sister is offended against you, go to them and make peace before trying to offer something to the Lord.
In both of those cases, there is a sense of the person on the offending side acknowledging the problem and making a real attempt to "make atonement" for any wrong done.
To me, that is something that is sadly missing from this whole conversation. If God were to move in Bill's heart and bring true repentance, I would expect to see a new thing from Bill where he reaches out and asks the same question as "A hypothetical question" posed. How can I make atonement? What can I do?
If you look at his response to those who take issue with him, he sends letters out saying they are not wise and the only reason they have an issue with him is because they are porn-addled and addicted to rock music or he sells books on Amazon talking about how anyone who disagrees with him is a reviler. In effect, he is sending out cursings, not blessings. If God were to move in his heart, even now at this late stage in his life, I would hope to sense a new wind blowing and a spirit of reaching out, asking "how can I make atonement for what I have done?"
MatthewS and BeverlyB,
I only have a minute but I want to thank you both for your honest comments. Bill is working on his fifth decade of abusing those around him, each decade has its own signature but the root problem and manifestation never changes. Varying levels and type of abuse followed by blame, denial, cover-ups, reprisals and spiritual elitism. But the real question is what do we do, who do we trust in to bring about healing both for ourselves and those impacted by him personally or his ministry. Ultimately we have only one we can trust in and lay our burdens at His feet and that is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We can pray that God will prepare Bill heart and raise up those who are willing to fight the good fight and keep the pressure on. In the end Bill will have to stand before God and give an account. God won't care how big Bill's organization is, but only about Bill's heart.
An "old" Hypothetical Question
This is a familiar scenario for those of us whose parents simply wanted to ensure they raised their children right. The creeping legalism went hardly noticed by the parents, while the children became stunted and warped in their spiritual growth.
I had to chuckle about the content of movies being edited for low necklines. I attended a Sound Foundations where, for a little variety one evening, they showed a movie that dramatized some hymn histories. In a short scene, a minor, background character wore the historically accurate costume of a high society woman. I didn't even notice the neckline, as my attention was on the main characters; but the next day, the couple who had shown the movie apologized publicly for 'defrauding' us all. I felt slightly stunned at the perceived necessity for such an apology and thought that the majority of us wouldn't even have registered the neckline if it hadn't been pointed out to us.
I appreciate attention being give to the importance of modest dress and protecting our eyes, etc., but examples of extremism like you just gave drive me ccrraazzyy and often prove to be counterproductive to encouraging a thoughtful approach to practically applying Christian mores in our lives. ridiculous! In my estimation, that "apology" did far worse damage to people's walk with the Lord than (perhaps) a little cleavage...
I was one of those really taken in by the "be careful you do not offend anyone in any way with any thing you say, wear or do"...I was constantly analyzing to the nth degree and driving my husband crazy with "should I ask forgiveness or apologize to so and so because I said something certain way that might be misconstrued as to meaning something else??????????????????????????" Finally came to realize that most people do not hear/see/notice what you say or do or wear, they do not remember most of trivial small talk. In one ear and out the other. One time I apologized to someone and they did not even remember the incident. Why was I wasting so much time on worthless actions instead of using that time- now lost- to enjoy my life as a christian and the God who made it possible.
The problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. Yes. And anyway, standing up for what you believe in/doing the right thing will offend someone somewhere, no matter how peaceably you handle yourself.
Great article thanks for sharing Jonathan!