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October 24, 2024
I was nine when my parents decided to join the Advanced Training Institute (ATI). I have many memories of their decision and its effect on my life.
I remember being extremely happy before joining ATI. Happy with how we were homeschooling (using a mix of curricula), happy that my parents started a homeschool group in our area, happy that we had friends who understood what we were doing and made similar choices.
I remember my parents getting really excited about ATI after going to the Advanced Seminar. They’d known about Bill Gothard and the Institue of Basic Life Principles (IBLP) for many years and had attended the Basic Seminar several times, but they were newly introduced to this phenomenal homeschool program.
I remember that one of the application requirements was that the entire family be in agreement to join the program. My older brother didn’t want to join. He was 12, felt like what we had been doing worked fine, and didn’t want to try something new. I didn’t want to join. I liked how things were. My life was already in turmoil because my dad had just quit his job and started pastoring our church. I remember exactly where I was when my mom explained that we had to be in agreement and asked my input, and I remember her surprise and hurt when I said I didn’t want to join. I don’t remember knowing how my younger siblings responded, but they were 7 and 4.
I remember being extremely surprised when we were signed up for the program, since I knew we kids weren’t in agreement. I wondered if my parents thought we’d all come to agreement or if they’d just decided to mark the box anyway, but I never asked.
I remember my parents’ going to the admissions seminar at the Indianapolis Training Center (ITC). They came back telling story after story about these incredible young people with bright shining eyes, servants’ hearts, and joyful testimonies. They were thrilled to explain that these young men and women were “paying for the privilege” of working there because of the character benefits and life skills they would gain. They couldn’t wait for us to be old enough to do likewise.
I remember how my parents explained that they had carefully researched the accusations that ATI was like a cult. They asked around with many of the current students and parents who were in ATI and learned that none of the classic signs were present. (Why did they ask current members? That confused me then, but now it really troubles me. Especially now that I know from personal experience that, once you’re in, you’re given a list of pat answers to provide anyone who asks whether you’re in a cult.)
I remember how my entire life turned upside down when my parents came home from the ITC. Bedtime changed from 9:00 p.m. or so to 7:30, because the entire family needed to be up at 6:00 a.m. for wisdom search (family Bible study). My mom started getting up at 5:30 so she could adequately prepare for the day. My parents brought back matching hunter green polo shirts with the ATI emblem so we could be in school uniform. They shared story after story of what we could someday do when we reached apprenticeship age. Our school schedule went from manageable to overwhelming, because we kept all our previous studies and added three hours of ATI’s curriculum to every day.
I remember how we started pulling away from our friends. Or maybe our friends started pulling away from us–I’m not sure now. We turned into holier-than-thou little kids (couple that with the fact that we had just become pastor’s kids), and my parents sought to remove any ungodly influence from our lives. I guess it was mutual. Former friends didn’t want to be with us, and my parents wouldn’t let us be with them for extended periods of time. Gradually we became our own isolated unit with controlled interaction. Contact with others was okay, influencing others was okay, but being influenced by them was not.
I remember missing TV and movies. We didn’t watch very much before joining ATI–perhaps an hour a day at most. My mom felt really guilty any time she sent in the required monthly report to headquarters and fudged on how much time we’d spent watching TV because we had a family movie night or because we watched a baseball game at our grandma’s house. She didn’t want us to get in trouble for watching over two hours a week, but she didn’t want to lie, either.
I remember wanting to question all the changes, wanting to challenge why we were doing what we did. I was too much of a perfectionist, though, to be willing to receive the “rebel” label that I saw attached to my younger sister who challenged the teachings. Over time, I chose to conform. Over time, I became one of them. I wrote papers on building Christlike character through my efforts, on understanding God’s grace as an earned entity, on clearing my conscience over little things that people were shocked that I even thought to apologize for. I learned to stand alone against evil music, dancing, worldly dress. I learned to judge my peers and their parents as I was taught the “right” way to view life and counsel others. I learned to think according to the ATI culture surrounding me.
Eventually, I think I just quit thinking….
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Carolynn's family joined ATI in 1997. She attended a significant number of seminars and apprenticeship opportunities before starting college, where she began to carefully examine the teachings of the IBLP organization. Carolynn is currently learning what it means to be free in Christ.
More posts by Carolynn
Thank you for sharing your story! I can relate to so much. My family joined when I was 11. My oldest brother was the questioning rebel, but I followed all the rules. I didn't start thinking and questioning until I was 27. Now, I can't stop asking questions, and I wouldn't go back to my bubble for anything.
Beautifully written, and your final sentence is both haunting and very, very revealing of the true nature of ATI/IBLP!
I told my parents about this site; my Dad of course,since he was the one who had us semi-involved in ATI, said well you have 2 sides to every story.
But when there are countless people with these issues, I don't know how anyone can wonder..
I was lucky. Somewhat. My parents wouldn't renounce some of the beliefs they had from our non-denominational background, so ATI no our current "ATI affiliate" church would accept us as members (Thank you JESUS)
But I didn't come away completely unharmed. Relationships are screwed up for me, and always have been. I never dated normally, I went from not being allowed to even SPEAK to "boys" to sleeping with them.
I just wish people would realize how they are ruining their children's chance for a 'normal' future.
I find it odd that they went to current members to determine and eventually believe their reports on whether or not ATI was a cult. People don't willingly join what they know to be a cult, nor do they wish to believe that a program they've dedicated their lives to, is a cult. Too bad there weren't any ATI survivors at that point, they probably could've given very succinct answers that yes, in many different ways, it is a cult. Of course at that point, they would probably just be labeled 'bitter', 'rebellious', worldly' etc.. regardless of what their story was.
Even the most clear cut story is pounced on by defenders of Gothard. If any other ministry leader or pastor did what he has done, the same people would cry foul. What gives?
I think for many parents, it was a case of *wanting* to believe the best and not see what others were cautioning about. For many, the Basic Seminar was life-changing, and in that euphoria of a life-changing event, it's easy to go with your emotions and check all other discernment at the door. In other words, because Gothard was used by God to help in one area of a person's life, the rest of his teachings were more readily accepted and unquestioned. Even later as a person might see "cautions" or "red flags" in a ministry, because their emotions have already been won over, there is a sense in which they distrust their own discernment and are more apt to excuse issues in the leader or organization they love--the very same issues which they would raise ruckus about in any other leader or organization. In the end, our loyalty should be to Christ Jesus alone, not to even the best Christian leader or pastor, because, at best, they will *always* disappoint us if our hope is in them, and at worst, they will lead us away from the purity of the gospel and eventually prove to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. I am a pastor's wife, and I love the Church--I am not anti-Church leadership. But every Christian leader is fallible, and none are to be followed unquestioningly, with 100% loyalty. Every believer must be a Berean in *every* Christian circle they are in. They will never be 100% safe and able to rest at ease from false doctrine and teachings while in this life.
Beverly, I always appreciate your comments - full of sound wisdom - you are absolutely dead-on, our loyalty is to Christ. I fall into the category of having a life-changing encounter at the Basic, and have always been a bit more sympathetic to BG than most on this site. But I recently had a friend, who I have the utmost respect for (and had not seen in a while), totally renounce BG and his teachings. In fact he called the teachings heretical. This is not new these days, but what caught my attention was that he had not gone 180 dgrees in his lifestyle. I was dumbfounded by some of the things he was telling me about growing up ATI. I suppose it was always easy for me to dismiss any negativity because the people I knew that have left have gone haywire off into the world. very eye-opening.
You're very kind, grateful. Thanks! However, I do agree with your friend--I'll be really blunt here and say that I also consider Gothard's teachings to be heretical as well.
One of his more recent teachings (I've seen it in written form, but here it is in verbal form: http://youtu.be/Di5TRqJYpnI?t=22m21s) is in how God uses our enemies to position us to accomplish impossible things. It's not a bad thought, and in his first few examples, it sounds spot on. However, he then says, "If Jesus had not had the Pharisees to hate Him, we would not have salvation today." Once again, at first glance this sounds plausible, but if you really examine the implications, it is not at all biblical--it's heretical. It's giving direct credit to the Pharisees for our salvation, even if they're credited as "the bad guys"--because Gothard is essentially saying that without them, Jesus would have been unable to save us. Even if there hadn't been Pharisees in Jesus' earthly life, we still would have needed salvation, and he still would have come and saved us from our sin. The Pharisees were not necessary for our salvation or for Jesus's ministry--They were simply the stark contrast to Jesus, and He allowed them to kill Him as part of His plan.
Even so, it is important to note that Jesus NEVER gave the Pharisees credit, or even thanked them for being His critics or part of the salvation plan. Instead, he called them to repentance, and when they wouldn't acknowledge Him or His Father, He called them sons of their father, the Devil (Jn 8:44). So in my opinion, giving ANY credit to the Pharisees is essentially giving credit to their father, Satan, for all the precious blood, sweat, and tears Jesus shed for us. No matter how Gothard might try to justify this, I believe there is only One who should receive all the praise, honor, and glory for our salvation. You don't mess around with giving God's glory to any other, let alone His greatest enemy.
As I mentioned, I've seen this from Gothard in written form too, though I can't remember the exact resource (possibly a newsletter--something within this past year). If I hadn't seen it also in written form, I might have been tempted to excuse this verbal recording as some rambling thought where he misspoke at the time.
Probably ...many people that were active and wholeheartedly embraced this whole spectrum of Gothardism, but who now for whatever reason, have left it,are battling guilt, regret,and denial to the point where pride and self righteousness,a built in part of Gothardism, intermingled with being incapable for facing up to it for what it was..So many out there are in denial,so many.To the degree that it was publicly endorsed..will it be publicly denounced?On top of that our God is a jealous God,and the bottom line is this is a Lordship issue,Gothardism or Jesus?All anyone that was in it needs to do is confess that it was not Jesus, wrong at the inception,and call out for Him to heal,it may take years, but it can start with a clean conscience,from there light,real light.
Loved your perspective, and was pretty sad for that little girl who needed to conform so as not to be a rebel. I empathize completely.
I wish I could get ahold of one of those monthly reports and see exactly what our parents were required to report. How did Gothard become the authority who could demand to know this kind of thing, anyway?
100% on target:
"I learned to think according to the ATI culture surrounding me.
Eventually, I think I just quit thinking…."
Thinking (non-BG-approved thoughts) was NOT encouraged, especially within the confines of the IBLP/ATIA 'Training Centers.'
I remember the agony of wanting-needing-having to think for myself while that very impulse was actively squashed by every last nuance of the environment I was living in. (3 yrs in a BG trainig Center).
Thanks for sharing, Carolynn!
You remember being really happy before ATI. I guess your parents, like myself, were swept off their feet by Bill's persona and wonderful stories. Visiting the Headquarters seemed to be the epitome of the Christian life, the best it cold be. How foolish we were. I regret getting into ATI. We started our homeschooling with ATI when our oldest son turned six, and so had no pre-ATI homeschooling experience. I wonder what you and your brother knew that made you reluctant to enter the program. Was it what your parents learned the ATI would require of a family, or did you know other kids in ATI families?
So your parents marked the box anyway, even though the whole family was not in agreement. And your mother fudged a bit on the reports. We did the same. We even used credit to pay our ATI tuition fees the last couple of years until we came to our senses and realized that even Gothard had said if you don't have the funds to do something, it must not be the will of God. True, ATI was not the will of God for us. I'm thankfull we got out, but it has taken time and this website to help me realize how wrong it was. I am very glad a friend posted an article from Recovering Grace on her Facebook and I looked into it. I am learning the freedom that is in Christ now, after years of bondage to the law.
Tangent, I'm glad to know that you've found the freedom that is in Christ. Grace truly is amazing! I don't remember anything really specific that I objected to in joining ATI. I didn't know any other ATI families. My only exposure was going to one Children's Institute earlier that year. I was just happy with where we were, and all the rules and requirements sounded intimidating. Perhaps for me it was a combination of the requirements and a fear of the unknown? I can't speak for my brother.
Carolynn, I remember when that happened. As the older ATI family in the area, we thought your family was either crazy or super-amazing. The fact that you got up so early and had such a long homeschool day was overwhelming to us and we were much older "students" at the time. We sort of figured you were all just geniuses and loved learning or something. I'm sorry your family put you kids through that and I'm very sorry my family encouraged others into ATI. So glad you have found freedom.
I thought for myself at the TC... and clashed with many because I stood alone in rethinking someg sanctioned iblp courses/teachers as being liberal..using the word legalism is a straw man..
At what point did you stop thinking for yourself?
Sorry John Doe... You are a straw man. Period.
Or maybe simply just a troll? Lol.
Do you even know what a straw man is?
So just to clarify, do you believe that IBLP is too liberal in some areas? If so, which areas? I'm curious...
I went to a Basic Seminar back in '76. Some of it seemed great, and some of it seemed pretty strange. I hadn't been a believer that long, so I took my red binder and mulled over it while at college. Later, I noticed many from my first church back home getting really "into" Gothard, and really weird. The standard of worldly separation was so high that there was no way to ever be involved with unbelievers, or, in my case, my own unbelieving family. Thankfully, God gave me discernment (because I think too much), and I fled that church. I've had 40 years of healthy-- not always perfect, but healthy--faith and the privilege to teach both in and out of Christian ministry. When I read the posts here, I feel so bad for those who were trapped, particularly the children. My prayer for you is that you will find out what true grace is in Jesus.