“You are the best of the best.”
“You are on the front lines of the Christian battle.”
“You are like the Marines of the Christian faith.”
What Christian young person would not want to hear those words? Every single one of us wants to be special. We all want to belong to something bigger than ourselves. We want to make a difference for Christ.
I know that hearing those words stirred a passion in me to “defeat the enemy” and press on for the faith! I wanted to do BIG things for God and to make a difference in the world. I was ready to take up the battle cry and push forward.
Then reality hit. How were we to fight this battle? We needed to look so different from the world that they could make no mistake about who we were. This shifted focus to outward appearance.
List after list
How could we know how our outward appearance should look? We were given school assignments to go to a local shopping area and observe people. We were told what to look for–“eye traps” such as women wearing pants, tight fitting clothing, low necklines, etc., etc., etc. Then we were to discern and “diagnose” their spiritual shortcomings based on their clothing choices.
Another part of this outward appearance was that our eyes needed to be “bright and shining.” This involved keeping a clear conscience. We were supposed to look deeply into our innermost being and confess every wrong thought, attitude, or action. For me, this translated into never trusting myself at all–I mean, the heart is deceitfully wicked, so I needed to shut down my emotions so they didn’t lead me into sin and take away my bright eyes.
We were given a list of sins that might cause the “light of the eye” to dim or go out. Lust (and all other sexual sins), worldly movies, rock music–again the list seemed nearly endless. What was conspicuously missing from this list was illness, grief, discouragement, burn out, and lack of sleep, to name a few. If you used any of those reasons as an explanation for why you weren’t wearing bright eyes and a ministry smile at all times, you were labeled an “energy taker,” and you were to be avoided like the plague because energy takers could rob the light from an energy giver!
Feeling the consequences
For me, this teaching of being part of an elite group of Christians had three separate, but equally devastating, effects. I have led a “normal” life outside the programs of IBLP/ATI for nearly 15 years now, and I still struggle greatly with overcoming these effects on my life and the lives of those around me.
The first consequence for me was the need to always appear perfect. I needed to be the perfect little Christian who never had a bad day and never was upset about anything because God is in control. This resulted in the construction of a very convincing façade. Why was it a façade? I knew on the inside that I wasn’t able to keep all the standards and things required of me to be in this elite group of Christians. I also knew that if I could present a good enough front, no one would notice or ask about the hurt on the inside, and I wouldn’t lose my place on the front lines.
The next consequence was probably the most devastating to my relationship with other people–Christian and non-Christian alike. I developed a very judgmental attitude. I would evaluate each person I saw and measure them by the outward standards that we were to conform to. Guess what? No one measured up. This meant that I would never get close to anyone because I had to guard against being “led astray” by worldly influences.
The last consequence was that when my family left the program and I eventually married, I still wanted that same feeling of importance and the same chance to make a difference. This has led to me holding many positions–secular and church-related–that were not a good fit for me. But I craved that feeling of importance again. I wanted the limelight of being in the Christian elite again.
Fading into God
God is slowly and lovingly working on my heart in these three areas. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I let my small group behind my façade this past week and let them see that I am hurting. Let them see that I don’t want to be the whitewashed tomb that I felt I’d become. Let them know that I need help to overcome this mindset of appearing perfect all the time and not letting anyone else see what is really happening in my heart and life.
God has also been pointing out my judgmental spirit. When I realized that within a short ten minute drive to church one Sunday morning I had managed to judge two individuals and a whole church (based on the saying on their church sign), I knew I had a major problem. I am now working to allow God to extend grace through me and to trust that He sees the heart. I don’t need to try to “discern” and fix every problem. I am also making a conscious effort to have friends that will be sounding boards and help me on my journey!
Ironically, the verse “Judge not, that you be not judged,” is in the foundational passage of the ATI program, Matthew 5-7. Yet, even as young children, we were encouraged to “discern” (never labeled “judge”) what was wrong in other people’s hearts. We seemed to have missed the fact that only God knows the heart!
Best of all, God is showing me that each of His children is of extreme importance to Him and that there is no “Christian elite.” He doesn’t need me to be in the middle of a huge public arena to make a difference for His kingdom. He is showing me that I am making just as big a difference by simply loving those He puts in my life and by living what appears on the outside to be an average life.
I am making a difference for His kingdom when I take a meal to a family, when I teach my children about Him and His Word, when I pray for others, and even when I simply smile at the cashier in Wal-Mart. We don’t have to be a Billy Graham to impact the world for God. We simply have to be a broken vessel that His Light can shine through, where ever He places us!
Dixie attended her first Basic Seminar at the age of 13, and her family joined ATI when she was a sophomore in high school. She worked at Headquarters for 4 years, served as staff registrar for seminars in the US and overseas, was an Area Family Coordinator based at home for 2 years, and helped with the pilot session of EXCEL at the Dallas Training Center. A chance comment from a friend and fellow ATI student began her journey of shining God’s light on the basic principles she had been taught. She is discovering that instead of a vengeful God demanding her to live up to certain standards, she has a loving Heavenly Father wanting to develop a relationship with her. Dixie is happily married and lives in Texas with her husband and 3 children.
Amazing, isn't it, what we would do to keep that title of "Better Christian"?!
I've only recently (i.e. within the past 3 months) realized just how pervasive this thinking was in my own head - how hard-wired I was to do things that would put God in my debt (because if I gave up *everything* for Him, wouldn't he HAVE to give me what I really wanted?!). I'm gradually learning what it means to be "crazy-normal for Jesus" - crazy because I love Jesus, but normal in that there's nothing so abnormal about me that I can't actually *live* life - with all the sorrows, joys, trials, and triumphs that define "alive-ness"...
Thanks for sharing - I can so relate! And I'm so glad there's healing in figuring this stuff out together. :-)
I'm still grasping the concept of how deeply He loves me regardless of what I do or don't do. He loves to give His good gifts freely - not based on merit! Yay! I enjoyed reading your comment.
Dixie, great article. I keep saying that one of the Institute's strong points was that they attracted such talented people.
I identify so much with the transition to "normal" life, away from the chasing of the limelight of being God's elite.
I love that phrase "fading into God" for more reasons that I can verbalize. stream of consciousness alert... It causes me to breathe a sigh of relief. Perhaps that's part of what John meant about "he must increase and I must decrease." Perhaps it's related to Jesus' invitation to abide in him. It's not on my shoulders to change the world. One author has used the term "royal waste of time" as a play on words to indicate "wasting" time in relationship with God. Fading into God - I like that.
btw, one of the phrases I remember was "striving for excellence." The example was given of washing hands. Someone who is about to eat washes their hands for a few seconds but a surgeon washes his hangs for 15 minutes. "Normal" Christians might get away with a "normal" life but do we want to be normal, or do we want to strive for excellence? The thrill of big promises and the fear of failure.
Today, I read Ephesians 4 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=eph%204&version=NIV) and I find something different there. A call to relationship, to hope, to maturity, to being authentic (truth in love), and to living out the new self. It's less rallying battle-cry and more day to day life. It's the same call for every believer and it is neither too much nor too little for each individual.
And to think that our Gentle Shepherd condemned hand-washing by the pharisees because they were putting on a religious show instead of seeking God's mercy!!
I remember well that "striving for excellence" phrase too! Unfortunately that led to lots of burn-out for many. How sad that our focus was so on the physical and not on the internal. Loved what you said about Eph 4 - "it's the same call for every believer and it is neither too much nor too little for each individual".
Oh my, does this bring back memories. We really were promised that we would be better than everyone else, weren't we?
To this day, I keep finding out that I still have a facade, even though I thought I had gotten rid of it. I still have trouble letting people see my emotions. For that matter, I have trouble acknowledging my emotions even to myself. I'm very thankful for friends who won't let me get away with that any more!
Thanks for sharing your story.
A couple of verses that came to me after reading your story: Proverbs 16:18 (Pride goes before destruction....) and Proverbs 6:16 (Arrogant eyes- one of the things God's hates).
It still grieves me that I could have been so blinded to these Scriptures even after reading them many times over the years.
This whole idea/concept of being a better Christian than others definately can lead to pride and arrogance. It certainly did in my life. Pride is definately something that has a way of creeping up in my life even now.
Again, thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this! I can relate to so much of what you said, especially about the facade of perfection and being judgmental about nearly everything. God is working in my heart in this area, too. :)
"How were we to fight this battle? We needed to look so different from the world that they could make no mistake about who we were."
Because if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck, right? And then everyone else will want to be ducks, just because they see us very clearly being ducks! [passing out beaks to strap on]
Hmm, how come that didn't work?
The reason why it does not work is that you were conned into finishing by the flesh what was begun by the Spirit. Never has, never does, never will work.
Amen!
Right on! Well said.
WOW I loved reading this article! When I was at Verity last year, Dr. Gothard came spoke on how we needed to be in one accord...there was NO room for outside thought or conflicting arguments. Arguing doctrines or beliefs outside of his line-up of acceptable doctrines and beliefs to his face was met with being expelled from Verity - when he was around, I just avoided him like the plague...if I ever had to go for a 1-on-1 I wouldn't have been able to put on my facade with him. I remember at one Christmas dinner, he had us all watch twenty minutes of this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDtspS-qliU) the Norwegian Royal Guard - Dr. G's point was that we needed to be in ONE ACCORD like they were...the whole time I was thinking of parallels to breeding Stormtroopers...a little scary if you think about it
I was on the other end of this. While I dressed modestly and actually did have "shinning eyes" (Though when people told me that I didn't really know what they meant) I was judged often and told that I flirted because I made too much eye contact (I thought looking at someone was polite?) and I was happy and friendly at the time (because I worked hard to not get depressed by focusing on God and singing praises to him)... being judged so often took its toll and I went from being a truly joyful christian with "everyone is my friend" attitude to being reserved, afraid, and depressed. Ironically, this change in how I acted looked more "godly" to the people who judged me. I looked "humble" now and appeared to be following God the way I was supposed to. In reality, I'd become afraid of men and wasn't trusting God as well. I'm still having to work on this part of my life over a decade later. I don't think I could ever get that innocent unbounded joy back, but knowledge and pain can be used by God as well.
I only bring this up because it doesn't seem like many people on here talk about the people they've hurt. Yes, you all have been hurt by ATI in general, but what of the people that you judged? I was far more damaged by the people that came out of ATI (even though I'd gone to the seminars and tried to "fit in" with the dress code and the Bible reading and so on because I was brain washed too.)
I never saw any of the other teens have "shining eyes" .. they were just constantly full of judgment, condemnation, and superiority.
I was recently talking to a new friend (who's a strong christian, but had never been effected by ATI) and what literary characters we identified with. I explained in great detail why I always felt like I identified with Lucy from the Chronicles of Narnia because of her joy and love for Aslan. She was the only one that wasn't usually afraid to run up to him and throw her arms around him. I similarly might pray in a jubilant voice "Good morning, Jesus!" in a prayer because I was so happy to be His child. I then explained that my identifying with her was silly because "no one likes Lucy" everyone thinks she's annoying and so on. This new friend assured me that "normal" people don't think that way, but you see... that's what I was always made to feel like. I was annoying. I was too happy. I broke my leg and was in a LOT of pain for several months, but didn't want other people to feel bad for me so I wore rainbow toe socks in my walking cast and was looked down for doing that. I was ridiculous, silly, a show off, etc.
People weren't just judged for their dark eyes when having a bad day. People have been judged and still feel the effects from those attitudes even when they were loving God with all their hearts.
Perhaps I'm a unique example of this, but I thought you all should know.
Lynne, You are not a unique example! I am so sorry for your pain and for you being robbed of your joy and openness with people. Believe me, I shudder many times when I think of how I treated people who didn't "fit the mold" and have grieved for how I hurt others and helped propogate the judgemental attitude! Again, I am so sorry for the wrong that was done to you and I pray you can regain your love for life and be "Lucy" again! And by the way, I think the rainbow toe socks sound awesome!
The thing about ATI is the lack of true grace, and the push to be perfect, creates an atmosphere of judgement. I went to ITC expecting to be surrounded by others who loved and wanted to serve God as much as I did. I found condemnation, judgment, and a lot of pain. I think many of those who came across as the most judgmental were the very people being crushed by that same spirit of judgment. I recently was talking to a good friend about my experience in ATI and her experience in an Independent Baptist church. We were going through a lot of similar experiences at the about the same time in our lives. Unfortunately, she saw me as being judgmental. I would not have known how I had made her feel unless she had told me. I am thankful to have such a good friend that we can be honest. I am now looking back on a part of my life long ago left behind. I no longer feel the wait of that program on my spiritual shoulders. I hope that as time goes by, you find many good, honest, and safe friends to help you grow and heal. There are always going to be people who don't appreciate "rainbow toe socks" I sure hope and pray that you find those who do. Laughter is good medicine! God bless!
Maybe this is a rabbit trail, Lynne, but the area where I've really struggled with guilt for the way I treated others when I was in the program, was the orphan ministry. I've felt this was the most vulnerable of the subgroups affected by ATI, and have deeply regretted my involvement with that aspect of the ministry. I did write up and submit an article to that effect, but either RG couldn't use it, or else it is still in queue (either way is fine by me).
Reading this article gave me an "AHA" moment. We were one of the second year families, and it wasn't until I was in my mid-20's that I began to question what I had been taught my entire life. I was also a pk, so I was extremely involved in the church. Since leaving home I have always had this craving to be in the spotlight, yet at the same time HATING being in the spotlight. I was so confused about that, and finally decided to completely break off involvement for a while trying to figure it out (and also heal from other stufF). This explains sooooo much!! The striving for excellence, and being the "marines" of the christian soldiers, created a drive or even a need to be in the limelight. However, my personal preference is to be a behind the scenes helper, I'm much better at that! Thanks for giving some clarity to this confusion I've had for years!!!
Your Aha moment is exactly the same as mine, even down to being a second year family, and the confusion. Thanks for sharing.
I love the song "Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot, because I think it perfectly sums up what it sounds like this, and, sadly, many Christian homeschool programs completely miss: "We are a beautiful letdown... The church of the dropouts, the losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools."
[...] the thought that we were supposed to be world changers played a big part in their emotional crisis. We were groomed to make a huge impact. And even after we rejected ATI and its teachings, the compelling need to do something more [...]
[…] invitation to work and participate in an Institute event meant that someone important had seen the light in your eyes and recognized your devotion to God. I was thrilled to be thought worthy to help prepare the newly […]