From the time I was a little girl, all I wanted was to find my knight in shining armor and be a mommy. If the Disney Princesses had all been around when I was a child, I’m quite certain I would have been enamored by their stories. But they weren’t, and they wouldn’t have been kosher anyway, as my family entered the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) homeschool program in the fall of 1985.
Being a very shy child, homeschooling was perfect for me. I could stay home, go to school for the allotted four point five hours, and spend the rest of my time reading. Friends were few and far between, and boys were strange creatures with whom conversation was tongue-tying. My only experience with encountering boys was at church, and upon being teased by a childhood crush for my purple jelly shoes, I became even more withdrawn into my shell.
When I was thirteen, we attended the yearly homeschool conference in Knoxville, TN. The identification as an “apprenticeship student” enthralled my first-born, Type-A tendencies. At last, here were thousands of other young men and women just like me! The sea of blue and white was mesmerizing, as were the speakers and call for commitments to Kingdom work. Being a very obedient type of teenager, the thought of questioning what I was told or sneaking out to explore, never crossed my mind. When the speaker, most likely Mr. Gothard, challenged the students to make a vow to give the next ten years as singleness to God, I eagerly prayed the prayer. The concept of ten years didn’t hit me until much later.
The years passed, and like every normal teenage girl, I had crushes on various guys. I was still homeschooled, still in ATI, but by this point in a homeschool group with other families who had students my age. This would have been an opportune time for me to learn how to speak to the opposite sex, but alas… my vow! The vow I had made created such guilt in me for every crush that I experienced. The concept of talking to a guy without crushing on them escaped me. I would desperately try to squelch such feelings, but to no avail. The guilt would then come, and I would confess the “sin” of having a crush… and then the cycle would repeat itself. Despite having made such a long-term vow, I also made a commitment to courtship: where the young man would talk to my dad and build a relationship with him before myself. And if dad felt he was potential, then I would be brought into the process.
Again, the concept that I would be 23 before receiving “freedom” from my vow slipped my mind. Instead, I tried harder and harder to keep my mind focused on serving the Lord. My parents were very supportive and encouraging to me, but for some reason I kept my guilty feelings to myself. They had no idea of the nagging I put myself through.
I kept myself busy during my teenage years with various trips with ATI, but keeping my mind off boys? That was nearly impossible. Nice, cute, eligible boys were EVERYWHERE! I served at nearly a dozen Children’s Institutes, spent some time at the Indianapolis Training Center, attended a conference in Oklahoma City, and went to both EXCEL and Advanced EXCEL. During each of these, I made new friends, mostly girls, but also a few guys. I began to come out of my shyness little by little and although I still experienced guilt over every crush I had, I was working towards seeing guys as just friends. At one particular ATI event, I became friends with a guy who actually expressed interest in me. I was 17 and had no clue what to do other than to just send him to my dad. My dad explained to him my vow and that if he wanted to come back in five years, then they would talk. I felt so horrible and guilty that I told my dad I wanted to write him a letter explaining that it wasn’t him, but me. I never saw or heard from him again.
The last thing I did with ATI was Advanced EXCEL. I completed it in January of 1998. My schooling was complete… and I still had two more years to fulfill my 10-year vow. My family was not so stringent that getting a job was abhorrent, so I continued with my small part-time job as a church secretary. In March of ’98 I was offered a full time position as an administrative assistant to a children’s director in a nearby church and took the job. A year passed and being buried in work with children seemed right up my alley. I enjoyed it, but found myself working ridiculous hours. With only one year left in my “commitment”, I found it even harder to not like guys–even though they never knew I existed. My shyness now became crippling as I entered my twenties, and to both remedy that and to expand my knowledge base, I enrolled in an undergrad program at a local seminary. It seemed the logical thing to do, as children’s ministries seemed to be the path my “career” was taking. Plus, seminary was relatively safe compared to a regular college. In the fall of 1999, I took my first class–and LOVED IT! The nerves that made me nauseous the first few weeks dissipated as I realized I was an “A” student and did very well on my tests and papers.
The next year was the big ten-year anniversary of my vow. Without fanfare my 23rd birthday came and went. No guy came to my door, saw me in a store, noticed me in class or gave me a second glance at church. Oddly enough, I felt even MORE guilty! I felt guilty because all the times that I had crushed on a guy were probably unintentionally extending my singlehood. When I read what I wrote in my journal during that decade, the entries are heart-breaking as I confessed guilt and the “sin” of various crushes.
There I was, 23 years old, my only friends being married adults and a heart sister who lived far away. My family is very close, and my dad and grandfather were really the only men in my life that I respected and felt like I could trust. Guys were avoided as much as possible, with heart pounding episodes of nervousness when they were unavoidable. Then, in August of 2000, on the first day of fall semester at seminary, I opened the door of my afternoon class and unknowingly, into a whole new world in life. It was there that ten years and one month after I made my vow that I made my very first guy friend. He took one look at my awkward, shy self, walking down the steps to the back row of class, and waved. At ME! He looked me square in the eye, smiled, and extended the hand of friendship–no questions asked. He actually wanted to be my friend!
That day I took a chance, shook a hand, and haven’t looked
back since. The friendship that has developed over the past twelve years is nothing short of amazing. He not only helped me learn that life can’t be lived in a tiny comfort zone, but he showed me how to break down the walls of legalism and see people as PEOPLE.
He’s also not half bad as a wardrobe critic… and goodness my wardrobe needed help! We have challenged each other, given and taken, but genuinely have grown to being the kind of friends who “sticks closer than a brother.”
The guilt I once felt is now only a distant memory that I ponder occasionally as I help others move away from rules and regulations that “religiosity” imposes on them, and onto the path of a real relationship with Jesus.
So here I write to you–twelve years, and many wardrobe changes later. Having become a stylish, put together woman who greets you with a firm handshake, a winning smile, the love of family and dear friends, and eyes that brim with confidence that comes from finally having freedom from misplaced guilt.
It's sad how lightly some teachers take the concept of making a vow. A vow to God is such a serious thing that it's sad how often people ask children...CHILDREN!...to vow something without parental supervision. I fell into this trap when I vowed at the age of 5 to never drink/smoke/or do drugs. Some well meaning Sunday school teacher thought it would be the best for me. Now, there's nothing wrong with not doing the above things, but the refusing to drink is something that should be thought out and considered carefully, not shoved down the throat of a 5 year old.
So yeah, I find stories like this quite sad indeed.
The sadness conveyed is so relate-able. Those normal, natural feelings we, in ATI, were taught to push away and ignore. *smh*
The ending of your story left me smiling. I am so happy you found such an amazing friend!
Looking back I find this very sad, manipulative and as a parent myself now, completely wrong. No adult should ask someone underage to vow or commit to anything without at least a parent being there.
We were encouraged to make so many vows that were huge. Things involving marriage, singleness, music, ministry, bible reading, etc. It is a a weighty burden to place on a young soul.
Thank you so much for sharing Anne.
I totally agree. Deut. 23 says, "If you make a vow to the Lord your God, do not be slow to pay it, for the Lord your God will certainly demand it of you and you will be guilty of sin. But if you refrain from making a vow, you will not be guilty. Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the Lord your God with your own mouth."
God wanted people to vow FREELY not to be coerced and manipulated into making a vow or made to feel like a "lesser" Christian if they didn't make such a vow.
There was definitely something wrong about the way Bill pressured young people into making vows. As said above, there was never any encouragement to go home and pray about it overnight before making the vow. Instead he used the emotion of the moment and the pressure of *everyone* else raising their hands as a form of peer pressure to make a vow to God. I was recently re-reading Matthew 5 in the New Living Translation and the section of vows hit me really hard. Matt. 5:33-37 says, "Again, you have heard that the law of Moses says, 'Do not break your vows; you must carry out the vows you have made to the Lord.' But I say, don't make any vows!...(skipping to vs. 37)...Just say a simple, 'Yes, I will,' or 'No, I won't.' Your word is enough. To strengthen your promise with a vow shows that something is wrong." (emphasis mine) Wow, oh wow! Is that ever true!
Thank you SO much for writing this, Anne! Some of my life's details are different, but the underlying themes are far too familiar.
Making a vow is a big deal and shouldn't be done under pressure or made hasty. Gothard as far as I know never let anyone pray about the decision to make a vow to God to see if it was even His will for them to do so. Perhaps he knew that if he did then most of the young people wouldn't follow through with those vows and what he was trying to accomplish.
I agree, making a vow is a HUGE commitment and very serious. Unfortunately, that is exactly what happened that day in the UT arena where all of us apprenticeship students were that day. The scene is burned into my memory. I even remember where I was sitting all these years later. LOL
Anne, thank you so much for sharing!
Anne,
Thank you so much for writing this. Your feelings of guilt for even talking or thinking about boys resonates deeply with me. To this day I struggle to remember that I am FREE, and that this freedom allows me to have friendships with the opposite sex. So thank you for writing this out, and putting it where others may see and possibly find some healing from reading it.
TEN YEARS?? It was only a 2 year commitment in my time!
Yeah, I also remember hearing 10 years held up sometimes as the "more spiritual" way. I remember thinking "heh, no! I plan on being married in about 3 years...". At this point I distinctly remember the guilt I felt for thinking such a thing as if I was only half the Christian I could be simply because I desired to be married.
Wow, 10 years. I believe I remember hearing 2 years and 5 years. I remember sitting in the wooden seats in Knoxville, hearing about this and feeling that it must be the right thing to do. In the culture of "higher standards" it becomes a competition for more and more. One person vows something which seems extreme at first but then the race is on to keep raising the bar. I clearly remember the guilt and the pressure to make such vows. That feeling of wrestling with the decision and then submitting to it - I associated that feeling with being "spiritual" and getting closer to God.
I relate to this, I made a commitment until I was 21. Thanks for sharing your story.
Yeah. I made the 10yr commitment, too. I wish I'd spent more time learning to be friends with everyone and not avoiding boys. What was it about committing to not marry that made the crushing even worse? It was awful.
I think the Apostle Paul addressed something similar in his letter to Timothy.
1 Timothy 4 (NIV)
1 The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. 2 Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. 3 They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. 4 For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, 5 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.
Great story, Anne. Did you marry that friend? I am (still) trying to have real guy friends without the intention to marry. Hard one to get over, but making progress.
No, we are still best friends... 12 years later! :-)
I was 15 when I gave the next five years of my life to God in single service. For me, it was a very good experience. My "ATI" home-schooled church was hugely into young marriages and since I wasn't available, I was protected. I was also protected from a wrong courtship that wouldn't have worked out (by my vow and my smart dad).
I never felt guilty about crushes...my parents understood that they happen and my dad was always good about talking to be about what I saw in this or that guy. But, my vow also encouraged me to keep my focus on Jesus and not on potential marriage partners. I also had a lot of guy and girl friends in my youth group. We were never discouraged from being friends with the opposite sex.
Once I turned 20, my prince charming did not appear. I continued serving God in singleness. By this point, I decided that I'd waited long enough for my future husband and I might as well keep waiting. I got pretty good at figuring out why the guys I met were not my future husband, so I wasn't even tempted to date them. I didn't meet my wonderful hubby until I was 24. He was 19. :-) It took me seven weeks at summer camp to figure out that he was the one! (It took him a couple of days) We were married two years later.
I'm glad for the way I was protected for all those years. My husband was my first official boyfriend, my first hand holding experience, and my first kiss. I tell girls all the time that it is SOOO worth waiting! I didn't wait out of guilt or legalism, I just wanted to honor God with my relationships and I wanted to honor my future husband. Let me tell you, he was worth the wait!
That's awesome, Christy! Your dad sounds like a pretty cool guy :-)
My "skeptical" father was one of the reasons I never got very involved in much of the ATI scene. We were part of a really conservative, homeschooling, sheltered church for seven years, but my dad never really bought half of the stuff they told us. He's a great guy with a heart for truth from God's word not just what people have to say. :-) I really respect him a lot!
I made the vow at the counseling seminar....and was married 6 years later. God didn't call me to make that vow...Bill Gothard did. Getting married also wasn't my idea...THAT one WAS God. Turns out, he didn't want me to be single...so vowing to be single was very, very wrong for me. It makes me laugh now.
This might explain why some ATI friends of mine have all gotten married at older ages (maybe?). I had no idea about the vow stuff. I do remember one of them saying something about a father being able to 'undo' a daughter's vow or something one time.
I made the 5 year vow when I was 13. I clearly remember doing the math and thinking "I can't get married until I'm 18 anyway so why not? Everyone else is doing it."
That's really funny, Faith! But hey, why not get credit for a commitment you already have to make? That totally makes sense to me! ;-)
I never bought into the vow stuff. I remember thinking it was ridiculous, how on earth could God want a blanket vow for everyone? Besides like another poster said, I had a dad who was skeptical and always cautioned me if I didn't take my own time to pray on it I shouldn't do it. I was saved from a lot of ATI crap that way... So Glad you're making friends now :)
My parents had no idea of what was taught once you actually got beyond the Basic...
I can't otherwise explain them encouraging me to go off for 2 weeks at the ITC when I was 16.
I was at one of the first 'counseling seminars,' at the ITC in '92, and there was a whole set of vows we were encouraged to make. I did the whole get up and share my testimony of new-found moral freedom,' called home to tell my parents about it, etc.
However, upon returning home, my 'vows' promptly fell apart, and I was horribly disillusioned with myself and even more so w/Mr.G's vows.
Probably the best intro I could get to TC life and the implementation of BG's teachings, actually. From that time on, I was a bit skeptical of it all, and in the long run, that skepticism probably saved me a world of pain. =)
Anne, your story is compelling and heartbreaking. My heart wept for the lost childhood experiences that you as well as my own children lost. I was an ATI parent. I wept for the lost opportunities of sharing with my own children the wonderful adventures of life. Being trapped and bound by Gothard's legalism. I too was trapped in bondage, and because of that caused the type of suffering you describe in mybown children's lives. It iis like a young plant being somehow prevented from flowering, from growing, living life under the fear and control of someone else. I am so sorry for what happened to you and am ashamed of what I did to my children. I am so happy God delivered you. Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Praise God for the freedom He has brought you into. For where the spirit of God is, there is liberty.
Thanks for posting! Your comment encouraged me, as you, a mom acknowledged the harm and bondage of Gothard's legalism. Thank you for sharing and for the words of encouragement too.
I love how teens were supposed to be under authority and not make any decisions for themselves, but are somehow "wise" enough to make a life-altering vow.
The dichotomy is astounding.
Well this explains why my life dealing with the opposite sex has been so screwed up. Why I have always been shy and found dealing with the opposite sex so difficult.
I am glad to see that I am not the only one.
Wow!!! That is a sad story!!! I am confident that God had that guy waiting for you at the end of your journey. It's just so sad that he had to wait so long for you to be free of that oppressive system.
I cheer for your freedom and I hope that all of those raised like us will be able to experience it sooner rather than later.
Thanks so much for sharing!!!
I remember the vows well. I'm sure I made a few along the way. The one I most remember being asked to make was while I was at HQ and Mr G asked us to vow to never marry a divorced person and to never drink alcohol. A double whammy! I was pretty shocked (which was hard to do at that point) by the audacity to ask us to make truly life-impacting decisions without time for prayer, reflection or counsel. My two thoughts were 1) I have no way of knowing what my life holds and since I know people who are happy in second marriages and I know people who have been left by their spouses and were divorced through no fault of their own, I will not make a vow that would cut potential life partners out of my life and 2) I just turned 21!!! Heh, no, I'm not vowing not to drink. I remember "peeking" and being surprised at how many people were raising their hands.
I'm very glad that you are free now. :)
I remember the 10 yr vow. I also made it because I didn't think I had a choice and Bill was quite the salesman and made it sound so promising. I believe I was 17 yrs old at that same conference. Seems so ridiculous now.
[...] young people raised in our program to come and serve. How many of you right now would be willing to make a vow and commit to singleness for three, seven, or even more years, like I have done? I don’t think I’ll get married [...]
(James 5:12) But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation.
Why is there a debate about vows? What is unclear about this verse? If anyone does make a vow to the Lord the first thing that needs to be repented of is making the vow in the first place. God was never in it. Vows are not acceptable before the Lord under the New Covenant because we are to walk according to the Truth, and give our entire selves to the Lord -- there is nothing to vow or not vow. And that is why it is forbidden -- you are not under law but under grace. But try to tell this to a Gothardite. It will sound like heresy to them. And incidentally, if you never spoke a marriage vow at your ceremony, the definition of marriage would bind you to what those usual vows contain anyways -- just like if I never vowed to not murder. Could I then murder? No. Truth is Truth, vows or not.
I don't remember hearing about the 10 yr. commitment. What I do remember is my dad talking to me about the "one man woman" and signing a covenant contract , mind you I was only 11 yrs. old!! I wasn't a teen. At the time I thought I understood, but in reality I was way too young to even grasp such a concept .
I also remember a crush I had on this boy, and somehow my dad found out about it..... Let's just say he made me feel guilty for even having such feelings.
I grew up w/ such screwed up thinking and as a result it robbed me of developing any type of healthy relationships with guys/ men. My husband ( ex now) Was the 1st guy I courted ( dated) and I remember the 1st time meeting him and he being overly friendly with me, which now I think it was just me imagining it was flirtation b/c we all know that any guy that seemed interested must have ulterior motives !! So, I looked at him and said to myself " I would never marry this guy so why should I even court/date him"'. That is what I remember so vividly about the whole courtship thing...... " The guy you date is the guy you marry" so I didn't even give it a second thought. Obviously something changed, but in my misguided thinking I thought the red flags were only me being " critical" how wrong I was!!
[…] the Knoxville conference or any of the other ATI training opportunities, we were encouraged to make vows or commitments—everything from not marrying a divorced person, to not ever listening to rock […]