The Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) Training Centers (TCs) seemed to be a breeding ground for hypocrisy. Especially for those who were in leadership. I will admit to being a part of that group. I was a staff member and I did things that were against the rules. All the time. If you happened to be one of the lucky few who was trusted and above reproach (not quite sure how I attained that status), then your activities weren’t really questioned. If you knew how to work the system, you could get away with a lot. As long as you were careful to not flaunt it, you wouldn’t get caught. Not that we did things that were evil–just things that weren’t allowed or deemed godly. It wasn’t fair to all those who were under constant scrutiny and not trusted from the get-go.

Here are some of my confessions:

•  As an “approved driver” I was allowed drive Institute vehicles. While this “privilege” was designed more for helping the TC (taking people to and from church, the airport, and so on) and not really for personal use, I was often able to take advantage of an “errand” to do my own thing while I was out. I would go to Starbucks, shop at the mall or Target, things like that. I had good friends in the transportation office who helped me out when I “needed” to get out for a while. Sometimes I would just drive, listening to music and zoning out. I learned the back routes to places nearby and was quite adept at making my way around the city. And music. Any time I was in the car with trusted “staff” friends, I would listen to whatever music I felt like. Secular, country, Christian contemporary… you name it, I listened to it. The training center was supposed to be a place where I was kept unspotted from the world, but, in comparison to my home life, at the training center I grew by leaps and bounds in my understanding of pop culture and life in the real world.
•  I had a close knit group of friends at the TC.  We are still somewhat close even now, although we all are married and starting families in various places across the country. We were often jokingly called “the office clique,” and I suspect that we may have been under scrutiny, but we always tried to be above reproach in our interactions with each other, since our group was comprised of guys and girls. We did all kinds of things together: bowling, dinner out, church, going to the mall. Sometimes we’d take a (forbidden!) deck of cards and play games at Starbucks or McDonald’s late at night. More often than not, our group outings were not odd-numbered, and we could have easily been labeled as pairing off and defrauding one another. I became quite close with the guys in this group. To this day I am thankful for these friendships. They were very beneficial in helping me to form healthy interactions. And there was nothing wrong with them–they were simple friendships. But for anyone not on staff–forbidden! I remember many occasions when I would have long, deep conversations with the different guys in the group in the different offices we worked in. Alone. Behind closed doors! (Granted, anyone could walk in at any time, but still, we weren’t out in the open and we were talking to each other alone, not as part of a group!) Those guys know some of the deepest secrets of my life, and I don’t care. I learned through those relationships the depth of true, pure friendship.
• On trips to and from home (on weekends and holidays, for those of us who lived close to the TC), we would often stop at a movie theater and catch a movie or two. After all, we weren’t technically at the TC at the time, so we were free from that rule. A couple of times, I went to visit friends’ families and wore pants–a mortal sin at a TC and even at my home. I was half-scared the entire visit that somehow my step-dad would find out and punish me. But he never did.
• I was given a cell phone to use because I was in charge of a large group of students and had to constantly coordinate their day, transport them, rearrange plans, and so on. I used this phone for texting and personal calls all the time. A friend on staff told me that since there were so many minutes on the Institute plans, my usage was just a drop in the bucket and that I shouldn’t worry about it.
• I also had a “researcher’s account” for the internet, so nothing was blocked or restricted for me. I created my own e-mail address and started a blog (that my step-father never knew about). Looking back at those blog entries, they are harmless and vulnerable; they have quite an honest and spiritual vibe. Nothing overtly rebellious, apart from the fact that I was rebelling against the authority of my stepfather by having my own e-mail address and a private blog. Once online, I made friends with people my parents didn’t know, or know about–even guys.
• The church I liked to attend was “Institute approved” because the theology was solid, but they sang songs other than hymns and had an occasional back-beat in the music they played.

On the other hand, those who were not staff members were treated in this way:

• My student friends weren’t allowed to talk to certain members of the opposite sex because they were suspected of flirting and forming bonds without parental consent. The truth? The parents knew and approved and were glad that their children were able to get to know each other.
• Someone had the phone in their room taken away because it was rumored (only rumored–not proven) that she had been talking to a guy. The truth? She had been talking to a family member; there was no illicit relationship.)
• One girl was frequently called into the director’s office and lectured about her attitudes and actions, accused of bad family relationships, and of not being submissive to her father. The truth? She has one of the best relationships with her dad that I know of.
• Another friend’s father was terminally ill with a devastating disease, and eventually, he died. While trying to cope with this difficult situation, she was frequently accused of being overly emotional and of making friends with the “wrong people.” Forget sympathy and support in her pain over her father’s illness and death.
• During a holiday break, a group of students had planned to go to one of the students’ homes. All of the parents knew and agreed. Yet the leadership did not approve because it was a mixed gender group of students. They feared that some of the students might become romantically involved. They did not allow the trip to take place. There was outrage from the students and the parents, but leadership turned a deaf ear.

These examples are only the tip of the iceberg in illustrating the contradiction between how students and staff were treated.

And then….

There was a family in leadership who loudly touted the rules and ideals of the Institute to all of us under their care, but the children of that family were some of the most blatant offenders of all. Seeing their hypocrisy and excuses made it hard to even want to uphold the rules. The girls’ clothing never quite fit within the guidelines; their skirts were shorter and their tops were tighter than allowed. Yet they were hailed as godly and praised for their beauty and modesty. All of the children were outrageous flirts, and the girls talked openly about their current crushes. But they also talked often about their commitment to courtship and not dating. I know that the older kids were generally considered to be serial daters–that is, “courters”–having several openly public relationships that were short-lived and did not end in marriage. Music and movies were another area where huge amounts of hypocrisy showed up in their lives. While students at the TC were not allowed to listen to popular music of any kind, the children in this family did, and often hummed or sang current worship or country songs. When confronted, they acted like they had no idea how they knew that song, but if you were to look through their CD collections, you would find many “forbidden” albums–albums that the TC students would have gotten into serious trouble for having in their possession.

It’s one thing to have a standard that you uphold at home or in your own private life, but it’s something completely different to publicly hold others to a standard that you tout as godly and “the right way,” and not follow it yourself.

I will admit to not following the rules and guidelines of the TC, and I would say to anyone that I held to that standard when I was not willing to follow it myself, I am sorry. Deeply and truly sorry. I know how confusing, disheartening, disillusioning, and frustrating it is to try to do what you’re told when those in leadership don’t do it themselves. Please forgive me, and know that I am in a different place now. One that includes acceptance and openness and honesty and freedom. And I am so very happy to be free!