My family joined the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) when I was four years old. We were one of the first year “pilot” families. We attended the Basic and Advanced Seminars as we had time, or when they were close. We were consistently involved in the homeschooling program, as well as Character First!, TELOS, and other apprenticeship opportunities. Each summer, we made the trek to the annual conference in Knoxville, Tennessee, where all of the attending families were “encouraged” in their home school journey and were taught new principles.
I always prided myself in the knowledge that our family was balanced and knew how to take the good and leave the bad with ATI, while other families swallowed everything hook, line and sinker. And in a lot of ways, I am still convinced that my parents had a good grasp on testing the spirit of what Mr. Gothard taught. Their hearts desired to follow Jesus and raise their family as close to the heart of God as possible. ATI’s program seemed like the right piece of teaching to add to their process, and I commend their desire and passion to follow God wherever He took them.
There were, however, a few “principles” that were non-negotiable at our house. One of them was the stance against “rock music.” This meant any secular or Christian music that had a back beat or heavy beat. Mr. Gothard teaches that this type of music, regardless of the lyrics or the spirit of the music, is evil and invites participation from the enemy: Satan. I remember examples of how the drums in other cultures were used to invite evil spirits, and the logical conclusion that this was evidence of the sin and demonic activity of such music.
I lived in fear of crossing over to the “dark side” by listening to the wrong music and, if I accidentally did so, I’d quickly beg God to cleanse my heart, mind, and soul and not allow the enemy access. This, of course, also eliminated all contemporary worship music, contemporary Christian artists, and of course no secular music at all unless it was classical.
I remember being given the soundtrack to Disney’s The Lion King and secretly listening to it in the back of our van during road trips, enjoying every second of Elton John crooning out “Can you feel the love tonight.” Soon after I was given this CD, we were told that this movie had underlying messages of homosexuality–so I had to get rid of the CD. I couldn’t understand how this music, which was fun to listen to and did not give me a “heavy” feeling in my spirit, could be so horrible.
Later, a friend gave me Michael W. Smith’s Freedom CD. Again, because of the back beat, I listened to it only when no one was around. However, this was the point where I started to realize that the concept of giving the enemy control in my heart by listening to this music was far from true. God started showing me things about His heart and His freedom, and began deepening my relationship with Him through this CD. Still I was smothering under a heavy layer of guilt, as I thought about the things I had been taught about rock music. It was so conflicting in my heart–it made no sense. At one level, I was experiencing God, and at another level I was training myself to hide things that God was using in my heart and relationship with Him, but that were considered “sin” by ATI standards. Such twisted theology.
As I entered my late teens, my parents encouraged each of us kids to have independent relationships with Jesus, and encouraged us to seek Scripture to make decisions on how we lived. However, they would quickly bring us back to the things we were taught through the Institute and remind us of those “truths.” I couldn’t shake the direction my heart wanted to go in, and the conversations happening around the negativity of rock music created doubt in my ability to hear God.
When I was 21, I went to a Youth With a Mission Discipleship Training School. God began unwinding, breaking down, healing, and retraining my warped understanding of His immense love and passion for me as His child. He loved me right where I was. He wanted me to experience His love in brand new ways with absolutely no guilt or concern about what anyone else thought. He sought to remove the walls of controlling legalism that were creating blinders on my eyes, preventing a true experience of who He was and all He had created me to be, wrapped in the truest sense of freedom I’d ever experienced. He loved my passion and heart for music–ALL kinds of music. He was crazy about my deep-rooted desire to worship and take others to the feet of Jesus in worship. Ironically, one of the songs that most impacted me was called, “Freedom.”
I was deeply impacted by this school, as well as by our worship times during the training. My understanding of worship and intense love of music deepened with leaps and bounds. However, when I left and went home, these same songs that had so deeply affected my heart and relationship with Jesus were given a critical eye, along with a heavy dose of doubt. For the first time in my short life, I was confident, despite twinges of guilt, that I knew what direction I needed to go with music. It didn’t matter what others thought or what direction they chose to go with their music. God had radically changed my perspective and understanding of how He wanted to use music in my life–including secular and Christian music that, at times, had a solid back beat.
Soon after these realizations were solidified in my heart, God moved me in to an incredible church where I was encouraged and challenged to get involved in the worship team. This began a new season of my life of hearing from God, through leading worship, in ways I had never experienced before. It was exciting, scary, and incredibly fulfilling. God talked to me through music. All kinds of music. I had incredible mentors who encouraged, pushed and supported me in this growing time.
"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!"
God continues to reveal Himself to me through all kinds of music. When I think about the materials Bill Gothard created and taught on “rock music,” my desire is for others to seek the heart of God, not the heart of a man. His teachings were his opinion, not Scripture. In sharing my journey with God in this area, my hope is that you will be unafraid to be ushered into the presence of Jesus, so that you can hear His heartbeat and experience His delight in you as you worship Him.
Kristine M. grew up in ATI for the 12 years of her education. She spent a year at the Indianapolis Training Center, part of a year at the ATI Headquarters in Chicago, and a few weeks in Romania with a team teaching English. She is recently newlywed, loving a grace-filled and spirit-led life, and enjoying all the lessons God presents her.
Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing your journey! =)
Music was the one thing I never could believe or agree with Mr. Gothard on--and the one thing that always had a huge red flag next to it in my mind because there weren't any real, solid scriptures used in the teaching; just, as you wrote, opinion. It's sad to me how many families took a firm stand not on scripture, but on Mr. G's musical tastes.
I was raised believing 1) that the Bible is our authority and 2) that all music with a beat (including CCM) is wrong. It took me a long time before I realized that Ps. 150:3-5 gave me permission to worship God in a more uninhibited way: "Praise him with the sound of the trumpet: praise him with the psaltery and harp. Praise him with the timbrel and dance: praise him with stringed instruments and organs. Praise him upon the loud cymbals: praise him upon the high sounding cymbals."
My mom likes to use the term "God-honoring music" to describe traditional hymns played with organ and piano, but I believe the BIBLE is the best way to find out what honors God, and apparantly loud cymbals and dance bring Him praise!
Such an awesome testimony!!!
"The testimonies of the Lord are pure, making wise the simple!!!"
Gothard's standard on music is all over the place, making confused even the educated!
I am with Jaime, music is one thing I couldn't get because he had no solid Scriptures and the ideas that Gothard said about it really had absolutely no merit!
One speaker came to ITC and said it has a lot to do with the composer's life. Yet, look at Mozart's life!!! I would rather take Jeremy Camp's music and actually worship God than Mozart's just for listening pleasure!!!
Wendy, I couldn't agree more with you. I heard that same message and knew about some of the lives of these composers. Some of their lives would make even a sailor blush.
I never had any problem with rock music (though my parents did, so therefore I didn't listen to it once we were in ATI), I still bought into the idea that the only music you can really worship God with or that is appropriate in church were hymns, and of course the only acceptable instruments were a piano and organ. It's really hard to find a church now that only sings hymns and doesn't have a full band! I have no problem with contemporary Christian music being sung in church, but I often didn't feel like I was worshipping. I recently realized it's because I am still so stuck on hymns, which are great, but they really aren't the *only* way to worship God in song. (I do think some of the songs are a bit lame and weak, but that's ok.) People start raising their hands during worship, and I roll my eyes a little, remembering what Gothard would say about how these kinds of songs are just emotion based.
I'm still arrogant when it comes to songs in church, and that makes me a little frustrated. I've missed out on years of worship because of it! So now I'm working on being less of a robot when we sing in church and to actually pay attention to the lyrics of the songs. It's still a struggle, but hopefully my arrogance in that area is melting away, and I'll be able to worship God in song again soon. And if I get carried away in emotion that's ok too.
Erin, I, for one, appreciate your honesty. I started closing my eyes during worship service in order to solely focus on worshiping God. That way I'm not distracted by what others are doing. Try it, you'll like it!
Erin, thank you for your honesty! Keep asking Jesus to free your spirit to worship Him however HE wants you to worship. It's not about what any one person or church says you should or shouldn't do. Bless you in your journey of worship!!
Erin!! Yes, God gave us our emotions! God gave us our arms! God gave us our hearts!!! Just like the title of this, we are "Created to Worship." Every bit of us!!! I would close my eyes too! I actually have a harder time with the hymns because when I sing to God, I want to sing "to" Him, not "about" Him. Such as "How Great Thou Art," which I do sometimes change "Thou" to "You." We have a song that says, "Oh how You love us." Which I change to "Oh, how You love me!" Worship, for me is all about singing to Him!!! And sometimes not singing and simply knowing that I am standing in His presence!
It is not good to put God into any box, even the music box. While in the military over seas, we attended a penticostal church. They are very liberal with music. God spoke to me and carried me through some of the hardest days of my life during these worship services. I was free to be carried off with Jesus and He spoke to my heart during these services. He's got it wrong here too!! What does he think happens when folks in these villages get saved? Does he realy believe, that God makes them change to classical music in order to worshiping Him? He needs to go, say to Papua New Guinea and be in one of their worship services. I was, My husband and I were lifted up to the throne of God through their form of music and it wasn't classical! The Gospel must jump cultures in order to continue to be relevant. Music is a means of getting the Gospel out and that means it must be appealing to it audience.
Kristine, wonderfully put!
Denise, you're so right!! These are the things about the heart of God and the ways He has created me that overwhelm my soul. He is NOT to be put in a box. And we do it so quickly. Out of fear of man, pride, insecurity. And by doing this, we miss out on SO much that He has for us! I want people to see the overwhelming greatness of the Father Heart of God. He's crazy about us!!
First of all, I personally have never been involved in any of Gothard's teachings nor have ever been part of a church where it was encouraged (praise God!). However, at a church I was involved in 15 years ago while in graduate school, back in my single days (I had a part-time job there as the organist -- this was a few years before most churches had switched to contemporary services), there was a family in that church that was heavily into Bill Gothard's legalistic teachings, never mind that this was a Southern Baptist church, which I grew up in and had never heard anyone in the SBC promote Gothard's teachings.
They were cordial at first, and even invited me over to their home for lunch after church one Sunday. They had rules for their four daughters that I thought were a bit much, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. But over time, things changed. I had started doing music specials that, unknown to me, they didn't approve of. They kept silent about that until one day, I made a remark to the father as church was leaving that I thought was supposed to be funny. Instead, he EXPLODED and unleashed a verbal tirade upon me in front of God and everybody, falsely accusing me of coarse jesting (what I had said wasn't even remotely obscene) and excoriated me over my choice of music for specials (southern and country gospel).
I walked out of that church and drove off in tears wondering just what it was I had done. I asked the Lord's forgiveness, even though I couldn't figure out how I had sinned against Him. Even so, I still did specials along the lines of what I had been doing -- and this family, I kid you not -- would WALK OUT as I started my special. I mean, hey, I couldn't figure out what the big deal was.
That all happened during my last semester of graduate school, and sometime soon after that, I went online to see just how it could be that a back-beat was evil. Well, I found plenty of things from ministries that claimed it was evil, and I eventually, albeit half-heartedly accepted what they had to say, in that I never once have condemned anyone for listening to contemporary Christian music.
I still kinda-sorta took it as gospel until just a few years ago when I learned of some outright scandalous things that have gone on in churches that promote and push this legalistic heresy and the horrendous LACK of love they show for the downtrodden. It was at that point that I finally learned once and for all that all this teaching against music with a back-beat was a LIE. Talk about a modern-day example of what Christ said about removing a mote from your brother's eye when you've got an entire board in your face...