Courtship Covenants

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Courtship Covenants

20 October 2011, 06:35

What is a Courtship Covenant?

A young girl walks down the aisle of a crowded church. She’s wearing a lovely white dress, and the pastor and her father are waiting up at the front… is she about to be married? No, she is making a public commitment to courtship in this very wedding-like ceremony.

I believe very strongly in vows and covenant vows. I made one when I got married and I take it seriously. I do not believe in making vows or covenants rashly or about any little thing. The Advanced Training Institute (ATI) was a glutton for encouraging young people to make vows, covenants and commitments. The different meanings between those terms were sometimes cloudy.

Many of my friends were forced to make a covenant or vow to courtship. The terms varied between families. The ceremonies varied. Some were like my friend’s true story at the beginning with a wedding-like ceremony.

Many times a ring was given, to be worn on various fingers; I wore mine on my left-hand ring finger (and yes many times I was asked if I was married/engaged because of it). My ceremony included a dinner at a nice restaurant with family friends who were there as witnesses. I signed a page-long covenant vow that was signed by both my parents and me. I also received a commemorative gift. I wanted to do this because everyone I knew was doing it; it was “the thing to do,” so I thought nothing of it then, and my parents were eager to do this.

Upon reflection and further study as an adult, I have come to believe that it is wrong for parents to encourage their children to make a courtship covenant. I further believe that there are many problems with the ATI approach to courtship and relationships.

What is Wrong With the Courtship Covenant?

1. There is no scriptural basis for this kind of covenant/vow to be made. A marriage vow is scriptural; a vow to court is not. It’s a vow to something that is extra biblical, while being promoted as ultra spiritual.

2. One is much too young to make such a serious commitment at age 11, 12, and 13—when most of these covenants are made—for an event that is easily five years in the future or more.

3. Fathers should be protecting their daughters from making rash vows (Num. 30:5).

4. Many parents who choose courtship for their children believe that the burden of their child’s marital happiness rests on them. They want to make sure everything turns out perfectly, and I have often seen them caught up in details like doctrinal disagreement with the other parents, or a perceived stain on the suitor’s past. There is much fear and over-reaction, and I’ve seen many a parent get cold feet (they call it “no longer having a peace about the relationship”). Rather than trusting God to lead in the relationship, parents become overly involved and take a God-like role in their child’s future.

5. These vows are often involuntary. Even in families where the courtship covenant isn’t forced, there can be undue pressure from peers and parents, and even bribes (what girl doesn’t love the idea of a beautiful necklace or ring that is probably the most expensive piece of jewelry she’ll own until her engagement?). No biblical terms are set for this agreement; the whole concept is like a blank check for the parents to fill in. Some parents use the vow or covenant as a means to manipulate their child using the fear of violating a solemn vow.

6. The biggest problem I see, however, is that the courtship covenant interferes with an open, trusting relationship between parent and child. In ATI, rules, commitments and vows are emphasized over a relationship with God. In the area of courtship, the vow is also a substitute for a good parent/child relationship, since the parent is effectively taking over for God in the decision-making process.

I believe that if parents maintain a good relationship with their children, these same children will be willing, sometimes even eager, to seek their parents’ input on their relationships. To me, the very premise of a courtship covenant between parent and child seems based on fear—fear that a child might marry someone the parent disapproves of; fear because the parent really doesn’t have their child’s heart, thus necessitating the solemn, unbreakable vow. Even more importantly, this decision should belong to the child, because they are the ones who will have to live with the decision of whom they marry. A child of God is accountable to God, and while they may seek parental counsel out of respect, they are not obligated to agree with it, or to follow it. Courtship does not let God be God. And it arrests the spiritual growth of a child who has forfeited her ability to choose. A focus on relationship with God would have far greater long-term impact on a child than a vow that absolves that child of all responsibility for a life-changing decision.

"Betsy" was in ATI for around 10 years and attended an ATI church for most of that time. She served at the Riverfront Character Inn Training Center and attended Verity. She is now happily married and is a proud mother.

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

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14 Comments

Eric October 20, 2011 Reply

Let's not forget, too, that Jesus advised against swearing any kind of oaths or vows-- in the Sermon on the Mount, no less.

“Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT MAKE FALSE VOWS, BUT SHALL FULFILL YOUR VOWS TO THE LORD.’ But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is the footstool of His feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is THE CITY OF THE GREAT KING. Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil." (Matthew 5:33-37)

I don't think this means, say, that a marriage vow is necessarily evil (I made one of those myself), but that an emphasis on "vows to God" like the ones described in the article are a sign of unhealthy spirituality. God is much more concerned with what you do than with what you say you're going to do.
- DanteDC October 20, 2011 Reply
  
  Eric it is commonly misunderstood that Matt. 5:33-37 is saying not to make vows. What it is saying is don't make vows by degrees. To take it out of ancient Jewish-ese and put it into modern terms: Don't swear kinda, don't swear maybe, don't swear mostly.
  
  It says "make no oath at all..." and then goes on to qualify that. So it neither negates nor abrogates all the other scripture on vows. It is easy to see how making a promise by degrees is a compromising thing, and that is the basic message of that section.
"Hannah" October 20, 2011 Reply

There was actually a publication, in which Gothard stated that the measure of one's spiritual maturity, was the number of vows and commitments one had made. Interesting. Not the fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, etc; but the number of vows and commitments one had made.
- Donna October 23, 2011 Reply
  
  Oh my... I remember Gothard saying that!
Joseph October 22, 2011 Reply

Vows, commitments, resolutions, make you "doubly accountable," another person said.
Katie October 22, 2011 Reply

I was given "the commitment ring" when I was young. I wore it until I gave it to my fiance when I got engaged. I however, didn't do courtship. I hated the courtship that was thrust upon me. I resented my parents for not giving me a choice so I just went behind their backs. I married the man, and it was the best decision I ever made.
Donna October 23, 2011 Reply

scary stuff.
"Jane" October 26, 2011 Reply

Where can I get Gothard's publications that have his views on courtship, Sunday School, Youth Group, and other topics? I know the IBLP online store has many printed and online resources but not sure which one would have his views on these topics. I am trying to learn as much as I can on Gothardism. Thanks.
Emily November 13, 2011 Reply

I agee with you about much of what you have to say. To me its a way of letting the parents control the child. Also since it only happens to girls it creates a sense of girls being owned passed from father to husband.
I have cousins who seem to have a little of the ATI mixed in with their beliefs about our faith. For example, they were not raised nearly as strict but encouraged to marry young and try to only date etensively someone they could marry. Two of my cousins got involved with people who ultimately chose to end the relationship/marriage. The rest have had trouble finding people.
I read a courtship story on a pro-courtship site and one girl was about to marry a guy when he backed out at the last minute. She felt so guilty like she had done something wrong particularly for being in love with him. She warned others to be more careful. More careful! She was engaged, about to be married and he had her father's approval. Ultimately I don't understand what she could have done differently (although she did meet a nice guy who didn't care about "her past".) While you can be careful about who you fall in love with, you can't control every circumstance and the other person in the relationship. If they chose to leave its not necessarily your fault but this system seems to create guilt over failed relationships regardless what happened and why.
Are the Duggars Guilty of Child Abuse? | Running With A Book Cart November 19, 2011 Reply

[...] leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel (for example, members must get permission to date, change jobs, [...]
Arielle January 30, 2012 Reply

I cannot agree more. The year I was "supposed" to get my promise ring and sign the covenant, I remember telling my mother I didn't believe in waiting for sex until marriage and I didn't want the ring. She flipped. I then ended up getting saved the next year and getting the ring and signing the covenant anyway. I never courted. I dated behind my parents' back. Didn't wait until marriage. A lot of good that stuff does for you when it's forced.
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[...] each other to live purely.Many purity balls are attended by girls as young as six or eight.From Recovering Grace:A young girl walks down the aisle of a crowded church. She’s wearing a lovely white dress, and the [...]
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[…] joined the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) when I was about 9 years old. I was taught the traditional courtship by ATI and Bill Gothard. Keep my mind pure. If I fall in love with someone who is not my spouse […]
THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME: UNCOVERING IDOALTRY AT THE INTERSECTION OF PURITY CULTURE AND COURTSHIP | JonCrutchfieldBlog November 2, 2014 Reply

[…] Betsy, “Recovering Grace A Gothard Generation Shines Light on the Teachings of IBLP and ATI.” https://www.recoveringgrace.org/2011/10/courtship-covenants/ (accessed October 24 […]

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